


Lilies Spray Painted Metal

by g_odalisque13



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Sexual Assault, Coming of Age, Depression, Dubious Consent, F/F, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, Prostitution, Romance, Schmoop, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Slice of Life, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:24:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g_odalisque13/pseuds/g_odalisque13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doing what she has to do to pay the bills, Jongin’s entire life is a choreographed dance that she doesn’t know how to stop. Every interaction feels contrived, and Jongin completely checks out before she steps foot in the strip club where she works- letting her alter ego go through the steps for her. Chanyeol, a new friend, seems to be the only one in Jongin’s life who isn’t just going through the motions, and a change in routine is just what Jongin needs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lilies Spray Painted Metal

**Author's Note:**

> Read on [LJ](http://g-odalisque13.livejournal.com/91792.html).

Jongin zipped her makeup bag and put it in her purse- making sure her change of clothes was inside as well before she closed the flap and slung it over her shoulder.

“Jongin!” her mother exclaimed, coming out of her bedroom and into the living room where Jongin was getting ready for work. “I’m glad I caught you!”

Her mother was in an unusually bright mood, and Jongin hated to admit that the demeanor change had her on edge.

“I have to leave in the next couple minutes,” Jongin warned, fiddling with the edge of her purse strap where it had started fraying.

“I just wanted to tell you the good news before you left!”

Jongin tilted her head in question.

“I got an interview!” her mother told her, smiling hopefully at Jongin.

“That’s great, Mom,” Jongin said, and her mother beamed. “What’s the interview for?”

“Receptionist at the orthodontist office down the street.”

“That’s really great news,” Jongin reiterated, forcing herself to smile just a bit bigger than she wanted to.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy her mom had an interview. Of _course_ she was. If her mom had a steady job, Jongin wouldn’t constantly be worrying about whether or not they’d be able to pay their electric bill on time. 

If her mother could keep a steady job, Jongin would probably be off at college instead of working two jobs to help her mom make ends meet, as well as trying to save what little she could for college in the distant future. But she couldn’t, and it was what it was.

Too many times, Jongin had let herself get her hopes up when her mother got an interview or a new job- thinking that this was it; this was the time things were going to turn around. But inevitably, they’d always end up right back where they started- with her mother unemployed and Jongin working overtime. 

Maybe it would have been easy to be bitter or resentful toward her mom, but Jongin knew that she did the best she could. Ever since Jongin could remember- since before her dad had left and refused to pay child support or maintenance to her mother- her mom had suffered from depression and anxiety severe enough that there were days that she couldn’t get out of bed. And not being able to get out of bed meant missing work. And missing work often enough always led to being fired.

In high school, some of Jongin’s less understanding friends made comments about how her mom was lazy or a drama queen or just wasn’t trying hard enough when Jongin tried to explain why she was busy working every weekend during her senior year. But it wasn’t like that. Jongin knew her mom tried.

When Jongin had asked about it when she was around thirteen, her mom had tried to explain it to her. She’d said that her depression was like a weight in her chest that pulled her down- like her heart was filled with cement and it was so heavy she could barely breathe in sometimes. She’d said her anxiety made her feel like she was paralyzed- nervous adrenaline flowing through her veins so strong that she couldn’t move her arms or legs as she felt like her heart was going to beat its way out of her chest.

Jongin had never experienced anything that severe- hoped she never would- but she knew her mother wasn’t making it up. She knew she was trying as hard as she could. She’d seen her mother break down after losing yet another job- feeling awful and like she’d failed Jongin. But Jongin always told her that the only way she could ever fail her was if she’d given up, which she never had. She’d always tried to provide for Jongin, and when she couldn’t, Jongin picked up the slack. 

It definitely wasn’t an ideal situation- working two jobs when all of her friends were off at college- but Jongin would never just walk away and let her mother fend for herself. Even if she hadn’t always been there for Jongin, she’d supported her as well as she could. She was her mother. And Jongin loved her and would do anything for her.

“The interview is tomorrow, so I’ll need the car in the afternoon. Is that okay? Do you need me to drop you at work on my way?”

“I can get a ride with someone, don’t worry,” Jongin told her and her mother’s brow pinched in worry.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “It’s really no big deal. I can just drop you off on my way. Your shift is at three thirty, right? I can-”

“I’m sure,” Jongin cut her off. “But I have to leave now or else I’m going to be late.”

“Okay, careful coming home,” her mom said. “I wish you didn’t have to work such late shifts all the time.”

“I always am,” Jongin assured her, and accepted the kiss on the cheek her mother gave her before letting her walk out the door.

Jongin’s gut churned with guilt- knowing just how much more worried her mom would be if she knew where Jongin worked when she claimed to have a late shift at the coffee shop. But she had to do what she had to do. So she swallowed around the tension in her throat and let out a slow breath. 

Just another day.

 

\---

 

The air Jongin pulled into her lungs smelled heavily of alcohol and was riddled with cigarette smoke. The bass from the music playing vibrated in her chest as she hooked her leg around the silver pole and swung in a half circle with practiced ease. She didn’t want to, but she let her eyes move across the audience members- men of all ages and walks of life staring up at her with lecherous gazes of varying degrees. 

The dancing was easy- moving her body to the beat and learning more and more challenging tricks on the pole. It was even fun sometimes. But that was only if she could forget whom she was dancing for. Because no matter how easily Jongin felt the music slide through her veins as her body responded like it was imprinted in her bones, the lewd catcalls from men had her stomach turning every time. 

When she’d first started working there over a year prior, it had been difficult to hide her disgust and to let the comments roll off her. But she’d quickly had to learn how to keep the mask in place- the mask that spoke of sex and lust and seduction and not of the revulsion she felt at having a man even older than her father reach out to grab her. She couldn’t show the worry she carried regarding money and her mother. She couldn’t let them know how much she hated to be there, showing off her body for them. 

As a kid, Jongin had been shy- painfully shy. And yet she’d loved dancing more than anything. When she was four, her mother had signed her up for dance lessons- ballet, tap, and jazz- and Jongin had loved every moment of her classes. But then came the time for their first recital and Jongin had been petrified- gripping her mother’s hand backstage and wondering how she could possibly go out on stage and perform for the fifty or so people in the audience. 

“Think of the dancers we saw at the ballet last Christmas,” her mom had said to her. “You get to be like them.”

“But they’re real ballerinas,” Jongin had argued- lower lip sucked into her mouth and feeling a lump start to form in her throat.

“Pretend you’re one of them when you get on stage,” her mom had told her. “Because one day you will be.”

That advice had been the best her mother could have given her at that moment. That day, Jongin had gone on stage and danced confidently as though she was already a professional dancer, and from that day forward, she’d lived to be on the stage.

But what no one knew was that Jongin wasn’t Jongin when she was on stage. As soon as she stepped out into the bright lights, she became Kai- a successful, confident girl who was afraid of nothing and who knew the power she held over her captive audience.

Kai had served her well throughout her elementary, middle, and high school years when she performed in countless recitals, festivals, and competitions, but she’d been dormant since Jongin’s senior year in high school when she’d stopped taking dance classes to help her mother earn money- when Jongin had truly realized just how dire their financial situation had become. 

Now, four years after Jongin had danced in her last recital, Kai was back in the limelight- only this time, she was performing for a very different kind of audience. 

Dropping down, Jongin held onto the pole with an arm stretched over her head- knees bent, legs spread, and ass pushed out.

As she straightened up again- letting her back arch and accentuate her curves- she felt hands on her hips, sliding over her exposed skin and catching on the waistband of her thong. 

Jongin turned around slowly, leaning against the pole and reaching out to place a hand on Tae’s hip.

Tae was a girl who worked with her at the club, and she was also Jongin's closest friend there- her closest friend within three hours driving distance. Tae had been the one to show her the ropes when she's first started working there, and they'd hit it off right away. Since they both had backgrounds in dance, they'd choreographed routines to perform at the club together. And though there was a lot more groping and booty popping than Jongin would have normally put into a routine, getting to dance with Tae was definitely the best part of her job.

Just as they'd done many times before, they moved their bodies in tandem as Tae leaned forward to drag her lips up Jongin's neck. The cheers of the crowd got louder as Jongin tilted her head back- eyes closing in what looked like pleasure.

She and Tae appeared to be lovers like this- exchanging teasing and intimate touches- But it was just for the stage. Offstage, there was nothing between them but a comfortable friendship.

Jongin didn't mind pretending with Tae, though. She was definitely glad to be dancing like this with someone she was close with, rather than a near stranger or someone she didn't like. And Kai knew how to sell it- how to make it seem like she was aching for every touch Tae could give her. She knew the audience loved it- ate it up.

Tae danced away from her, shooting a coy look over her shoulder. Jongin wrapped herself around the pole again- arching against it like Tae had left her desperate. Hooking her leg around the pole and spinning, Jongin held her body just so- creating the most beautiful lines with her form that she could. At least some things carried over from her classical background.

 

\---

 

Tucking some cash into her bra from a lapdance, Jongin looked up to see her manager gesturing at her from beside the bar. Immediately, she felt her stomach drop. But she didn't have a choice, so she made her way over to him- careful not to let her dread show on her face. 

It was easy to mask her emotions now, after having worked at the club for a year. So she was confident that her manager had no inkling that Jongin felt sick to her stomach just walking over to him- that she could feel bile creeping up the back of her throat as she caught a glimpse of one of the other girls leading a client- face shiny with sweat and forehead glistening where his hairline had receded considerably- through the doorway that led to the private rooms. Her manager wasn't naive to the fact that the girls who worked there didn't _enjoy_ some parts of their job, but Jongin didn't think her revulsion was evident on her face as she slid in next to him at the bar.

"You've got a client," he told her, eyes not on her as he spoke in favor of roving over the floor- making sure the patrons were satisfied, while also keeping an eye out for anyone breaking the rules. "Room 4."

Her manager wasn't a bad guy. Jongin understood he was just earning a living- just as she was. Though he couldn't understand what she and the other girls went through- how they felt. He couldn't. Not without experiencing it himself.

He wasn't rude to any of them, which Jongin appreciated. He treated them like they were employees in some other, more traditional line of work. He was detached, business-like, and that allowed for him not to really acknowledge what he was doing and what he was encouraging the girls to do.

When Jongin had first started working there, it had just been dancing. She'd watched a show from the bar in baggy clothes so the men wouldn't approach her when she was just observing. The lewd way the men grabbed at the waists and hips and butts of the girls on the floor had Jongin's stomach creeping up her esophagus and her hands shaking with nerves. But the dancers on the stage- swinging around the poles that reflected the colored lights that flashed above them- were mesmerizing. 

It was just another performance- that's what she told herself, how she kept herself from bolting that first night.

Had she known that she'd have agreed to accepting bids from the men, taking them back to one of the cubicle sized private rooms in the back and getting them off with first just a show and then her hand and finally mouth, she'd have run and never looked back.

But she was here now and the money she'd started earning since she'd given in to what her manager wanted had been hugely helpful in paying bills. It even allowed for her to put some away in her savings account, which had been cleared out shortly after her high school graduation when her mother had been unemployed for longer than Jongin had been a legal adult.

"Paid for handjob," her manager informed her, glancing briefly at her out of the corner of his eye, "but he kept trying to get a blowjob for the price, so make sure to stay near the emergency button. Just in case."

Jongin nodded, stomach clenching even harder and making her wish that she'd turned down the complimentary beer the bartender had tossed at her before her shift started.

Without another word, Jongin made her way back to the private rooms- stomach giving one last unpleasant lurch before she stepped into room number four, Kai mask in place.

 

\---

 

At one o'clock that morning, Jongin finally climbed into her car, wanting nothing more than a hot shower and a good night's sleep.

Pulling her phone out of her bag, Jongin found that she had an unread text from Sehun, her best friend from high school.

Jongin hated to linger in the parking lot, even with her doors locked, so she tossed her phone onto the passenger seat to be dealt with later.

Aside from Tae, Sehun was the only real friend Jongin had. They'd met in dance class in fifth grade and had been best friends ever since. Like Jongin, Sehun was shy around new people so they'd clung to each other like ivy when they'd started junior high together. Jongin could barely remember a time when their names hadn't been said in one breath- SehunandJongin. There had even been some half-baked rumor their sophomore year in high school that they were lovers, but Jongin had barely blinked- unable to even give it a second thought when she had to listen to Sehun gush over older boys all the time.

Then their senior year had rolled around and the world as Jongin had known it fell to pieces. Forced to quit dance due to their grim financial situation, Jongin was no longer concerned about their next dance competition or what they were going to be quizzed on in calc. Instead she was worried about whether she'd be able to get enough hours at the sandwich place she'd started working at in order to pay their bills that month.

But even though Jongin barely had enough time to study, let alone socialize, Sehun remained at Jongin's side- shoving her biology worksheet under Jongin's nose so she could copy the answers and yapping Jongin's ear off about the college-aged guy she'd met at the library the previous weekend.

The following fall, Sehun and many of the other kids from their graduating class went to college, while Jongin stayed at home and searched for a full time job. Having to watch so many of her peers going onto the next step of their life- a step that Jongin had always pictured herself taking- while she was left behind had Jongin feeling like a failure. On top of that, Sehun went off to a college three hours away. Jongin had never felt more lonely.

Still, Sehun texted her everyday- checking in and offering anecdotes from her new life that entertained Jongin more than they made her sad that she wasn’t having her own college experiences. 

When Jongin finally made it back home after her shift at the club and had managed to shower and get ready for bed quietly enough that she was pretty sure she hadn’t woke her mother, she eased her bedroom door closed behind her and dug her neglected cell phone out of her purse.

_just watched the pyramid and its so baaaad :O even you wouldnt be scared X’D_

Jongin chuckled quietly, rolling her eyes fondly at Sehun’s jibe- knowing that it didn’t mean much considering Sehun wasn’t immune to horror movies either.

_As if you didn’t sleep with the lights on for a week after watching The Strangers._

After she’d put on her pajamas and stashed the clothes she’d worn at the club at the bottom of her hamper, she heard her phone vibrate where it was laying on her bed.

_excuse you that movie was SCARY. btw why are you up so late? dont you work the opening shift 2morrow??_

Jongin sighed, setting her phone down to turn off the light and climb into bed before replying.

_Just couldn’t sleep so I was watching some tv. Gonna close my eyes now._

Stomach twisting at the lie, Jongin settled on her side under the covers.

_omg! go to bed! now!_

She was torn between smiling at Sehun’s attempt at being stern and feeling like pond scum for lying. But lying was still better than telling Sehun the truth and having to watch the look of disgust cross her face.

_I’m going to sleep now I promise._

She’d gotten three guys off for money and now she was lying to her best friend.

_you better! talk to you tomorrow~ <3_

She was a piece of shit.

 

\---

 

“Medium chai latte,” Jongin said even though she knew that Jongdae, one of her co-workers at the cafe, had heard the order himself. 

"Medium chai latte," Jongdae repeated back with a genial grin- the kind that had customers immediately smiling back and adding a _very_ to their thanks when he handed over their drink. _Thank you_ very _much._

Jongin much preferred her "day" job, working in a chain cafe near the college in their town, to her other means of income. Sure, taking people's complicated drink orders at six in the morning and making drinks she didn't even like wasn't her ideal career choice, but it could have been worse. Jongin, of all people, knew that it could be worse.

"How are you doing?" Minseok, her shift manager, asked Jongin as Jongdae made small talk with the middle aged woman who'd ordered the chai latte. 

"I'm fine," she instinctively replied, never offering any other answer.

Minseok's brows pinched in the middle.

"You look really tired," he observed worriedly, and though he was right, Jongin waved off his concern.

"Just got to bed a little late," she said, able to feel him looking at her even as she shuffled and straightened the biscuits by the register.

Minseok meant well- only five or so years her senior and working at the cafe to pay his way through business school- but Jongin sometimes wished he'd stop worrying over her well-being. It was nice that he cared, but she couldn't tell him why she was so tired all the time and she knew he knew she was lying to him.

Still, he was a good guy, an older brother type, and Jongin sometimes found herself wishing that he and her manager at the club would switch places. But of course Minseok would never work somewhere like that- would balk at the goings-on that Jongin barely even blinked at.

"You're sure I can't get you a coffee or something?" Minseok asked, lips quirked in a knowing smile.

Jongin made a face of disgust and Minseok laughed, patting her affectionately on the shoulder before making his way over to Jongdae when he saw that they had a customer.

The girl looked about Jongin’s age, probably a student at the college nearby. She was tall and thin, dressed in a black sweatshirt and skinny jeans, and had big eyes that seemed to take up half of her face (the other half was taken up by all the teeth on display as she smiled).

"Hi, how are you today? Can I interest you in one of our special drinks?" Jongin asked, gesturing to the little standing sign on the counter next to her.

The customer's eyes widened like she was surprised by the offer as she looked at the colorful pictures.

"Are they good?" she asked, large eyes inquisitive as she looked back at Jongin.

Jongin faltered, mouth partway open. She'd tried the non-coffee drinks, but given that three of the five contained coffee, she didn't think she'd be of much use.

"Um..." she started, scrambling to remember the cheesy descriptions that were written on the sign that hung in the window before she was put out of her misery.

"No. I'm not gonna mess with a good thing," the customer was saying, looking at Jongin with an over-sized smile. "I came in for a mocha, so I'm gonna get a mocha!"

Jongin was still speechless, surprised by the enthusiasm with which the girl had just spoken.

"So, you want a mocha?" Jongin asked dumbly when she'd managed to gather her wits.

"Yes," the girl said definitively with a big grin.

"Okay," Jongin pressed a button on the register. "What size?"

"Oh!" the girl exclaimed, smacking her own forehead. "I got so distracted by the special drinks that I forgot to actually order properly."

Here, she stopped to laugh at herself, and Jongin felt the corners of her mouth twitching up in response.

"Small, iced mocha, please!" the girl announced, slamming her hand down on the counter and grinning widely at Jongin.

Jongin had expected her to get a large- thought that maybe she was already hyped up on caffeine- but she rung her up just the same, surprised when the girl had exact change.

"Small, iced mocha," she dutifully said to Jongdae.

"Already halfway done," he laughed, pouring milk into the cup.

"Jongdae!" the customer exclaimed, clapping her hands and directing her smile in his direction. "I didn't know you worked here!"

"Gotta pay for groceries somehow," Jongdae replied with a smile and a shrug.

"So are the specials any good?" she asked, surprising Jongin by turning back to her instead of asking Jongdae, whom she obviously knew. "Maybe I'll get one next time."

Once again, Jongin was at a loss, but Jongdae jumped in to save her that time.

"You're barking up the wrong tree, Chanyeol," Jongdae said with a laugh. "Jongin doesn't like coffee."

That Jongin hated coffee and worked at a coffee shop was a running joke with her co-workers, but it wasn't something she divulged to customers. It wasn't exactly good business to express disgust in regards to what you were selling.

 

"What?!" the girl, Chanyeol, gaped- predictably shocked. "You don't like coffee? And you work here?"

Jongin nodded sheepishly, expecting judgment and a rant about how coffee was the nectar of the gods or something. Instead, Chanyeol just stood there, stunned, for a second before she burst out laughing- clapping her hands and looking like she'd just heard the greatest joke ever told. Jongin wondered if she was going to have to assure her that she wasn't kidding.

"A barista who doesn't like coffee," Chanyeol said, still chuckling. "That's great. Oh man. You're my favorite barista ever."

That had not been on the short, or long, list of things Jongin was expecting to hear.

"Um. Thank you?" was the best she could come up with.

"Small, iced mocha," Jongdae called out with a wry smile, holding out the cup and wiggling it so the ice rattled.

"Oh! Thanks!" Chanyeol grabbed the cup and turned back to Jongin as she took a sip from the straw. "I'll have to come back and see the barista who doesn't like coffee."

"Her name is Jongin," Jongdae supplied, saving Jongin from having to come up with a response to that.

"Jongin," Chanyeol repeated. "I'm Chanyeol. Nice to meet you." 

She proffered a big hand- fingernails short with the chipped remnants of turquoise polish on them.

"Nice to meet you too," Jongin answered, shaking her hand over the register and feeling the clamminess of Chanyeol’s palm due to the condensation from her drink.

"I'll come back," Chanyeol promised, as though Jongin might have been worried. "See you, Jongdae."

And with that she was bustling out the door- all long legs and a short, swinging ponytail that bounced like Chanyeol was skipping instead of walking.

"Well, that was Chanyeol," Jongdae said with a laugh. "She's...an experience."

Jongin chuckled, still feeling a bit off balance from the whole interaction.

"You know her from classes?" Jongin asked, just for something to say.

"Yeah, we were in a couple gen eds together over the last few semesters," Jongdae told her before launching into a story about kid in one of those classes who'd tried to bullshit the professor and got his ass handed to him.

Stifling a yawn that had nothing to do with boredom and everything to do with the three and a half hours of sleep she'd gotten the night before, Jongin reminded herself that she only had two more hours to go and then she could go home and nap. 

It really was a shame she didn't like coffee.

 

\---

 

“Knock knock,” Jongin’s mom said, rapping lightly on the wooden door frame to Jongin’s room.

Jongin jumped, easily startled. Hastily shoving her costume for the club down to the bottom of her tote bag, she turned around to watch her mom hesitantly walk past the threshold into her room.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” her mom apologized, fingers dancing over the backrest of Jongin’s desk chair. “Just thought I should tell you that the job interview didn’t work out.”

Jongin wasn’t sure if the fact that she wasn’t surprised was a good thing since she’d been expecting it, or if her lack of faith in her own mother was as shameful as she felt like it was.

“There’s always next time,” she dutifully said, offering a sympathetic smile like this exact scenario hadn’t already happened countless times before. 

“Right,” her mom replied, relieved smile spreading across her face- like she’d expected Jongin to scold her despite Jongin’s predictable response. “Are you getting ready to go out?” she asked, eyes landing on Jongin’s tote bag on her bed. 

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Jongin answered, turning around to grab a pair of her socks from her closet so she wouldn’t have to look her mom in the eye when she lied. “I’m picking up an extra shift at the cafe. It’s, uh, mid-terms now, so more college kids are coming in late to study.”

“Don’t overwork yourself,” her mom said, stepping forward to affectionately pat Jongin’s cheek.

 _Too late_ , Jongin thought, but she answered with an, “I won’t,” and a smile.

As her mom left Jongin to get ready after telling her to be safe, Jongin couldn’t help but feel like they were in a never-ending, choreographed dance. Her mom unable to provide for them, Jongin acting like it was no big deal, her mom telling her not to work too hard despite knowing how many hours Jongin worked, Jongin telling her she wouldn’t… 

It didn’t mean anything. Maybe the first few times they’d danced the routine, but now it was muscle memory and neither of them knew how to stop. 

In some ways it was exhausting, but Jongin wasn’t sure what the alternative was. 

Besides, trying to choreograph a new routine would surely take more energy and effort at this point than continuing their same, old dance. So Jongin pushed all of to to the back of her mind as she finished getting ready.

Even as she drove to the club, she felt Kai simmering underneath her skin, ready to take control. And when Kai ran the show, there was no room for worries and over thinking and emotions. With Kai, it was only the music and her body. Simple.

 

\---

 

With the bass thumping and reverberating in her chest, Jongin felt actually pretty okay. She and Tae had performed the new version of their routine, and it had gone really well. Sure, the patrons might not have appreciated the artistry they put into it, but Jongin and Tae did, so that was all that mattered. 

Their performance was over now, and they were working the crowd- flirting, dancing, giving lap dances to anyone who forked over the cash- and while this wasn’t something Jongin enjoyed, it certainly could have been worse. Any night when she was able to escape the private rooms was a gift.

Plus, she was currently giving one of her “regulars” a lapdance, and though he was still a man who was paying to enjoy her body, he was a pretty decent guy, all things considered. 

Joonmyun was maybe ten or fifteen years older than her and he was some kind of businessman, usually coming into the club in pressed slacks and a crisp, button-up shirt- tie discarded and collar open.

There were two types of men like this. 

The first was the type who thought they were entitled to whatever they wanted- women’s bodies included. They would get handsy quick and act as though it was a great insult when one of the managers asked if they could pay for what they were simply taking. With those types of men, it wasn’t long before they’d chosen a girl and booked a private room- shoving her head down on their cocks and pretending that they were the biggest she’d ever seen. 

The second type were the ones who thought they were above the whole thing- that the men who frequented strip clubs were _beneath_ them. Not that that stopped them from frequenting strip clubs. They just believed that they were _better_ than the other men there- one of a kind. This type of man was typically very courteous- asking before touching and going through the act of asking the girl with her tits in his face how her day had been. Sometimes, they’d take a girl back into a private room and stroke her hair while she sucked him off, telling her that she was _special_. She _must_ be special, after all, if this one of a kind man had chosen _her_ to be the one to swallow around his refined and upscale cock.

Both types stemmed from ego, and neither were particularly becoming. But the second type, at least, made life easier on the girls. And the lesser of a few evils was really the best one could ask for, working in a place like this.

Joonmyun, the man who was currently holding onto Jongin’s hips gently while she straddled his lap and undulated against his half-hard erection, mostly fell into the second category. He’d been coming into the club for almost six months, at least once a week, and he’d purchased a lap dance from Jongin almost every single time.

Appearing to pride himself on being a gentleman, Joonmyun always greeted Jongin like he was greeting an acquaintance at a business function. He’d smile his charming smile that probably had investors feeling secure in their decisions and tell her she looked beautiful. Then, as she rubbed her ass against his crotch, he’d ask how she was doing- if she was tired or if she had any fun plans for the upcoming weekend. 

Keep it brief- just personal enough that the clients felt special, but not so personal as to put them in any danger. That’s what they were taught. So Jongin would smile and tell him that no, she wasn’t too tired. And that maybe she’d meet a friend over the weekend (usually a lie). 

There was something maybe a little smarmy about Joonmyun- his perfectly crafted mask never faltering- but he seemed to be mostly sincere. And besides, Jongin knew a thing or two about keeping up a facade. She felt like they almost had an understanding, on some level, that what they were doing was just a performance. But maybe that was just her desperation to find comfort, any comfort, in the crowded, hot club that was teeming with the types of people Jongin wouldn’t want to run into alone in a dark alley.

“You seem tired,” Joonmyun told her, speaking close to her ear to be heard over the music- breath uncomfortably warm.

“I’ve just been busy,” Jongin told him airily, running her fingers down the slope of his shoulders over his nice shirt and pressing her breasts against his chest.

“A lot of hours at your other job?”

Normally, Jongin wouldn’t have even told a client that she worked another job, but Joonmyun had become so familiar to her that she’d let a few details slip here and there. Besides, he knew well enough not to try to get her to tell him where she worked when she wasn’t wearing hot pants and push-up bras.

Jongin hummed non-committedly. “I’m fine. It’s not too much.”

“I worry…” Joonmyun confessed, lips even closer to her ear so she could almost feel the brush of them against her skin. She tried not to show her discomfort.

“I’m fine,” she repeated, leaning back to shoot Joonmyun a radiant smile- a Kai smile. 

She didn’t know why he worried. The worrying part of her life was _here_ doing _this_. But maybe he just needed someone to worry about.

Appearing appeased by her reassurance, Joonmyun returned the grin.

As the song ended and transitioned into a new one, Jongin was forced to ask the question she never wanted the answer to.

“If you want, we can go to a private room…” her voice trailed off at the end- practiced and seductive.

Joonmyun did that thing he did every time where he’d inhale noisily through his nose and then let out a breath, smiling off to the side like he was putting on a show of how difficult it was to turn Jongin down. And then he’s look back at Jongin and say…

“You know I can’t.”

It was the same every single time. And yet Jongin had to continue to ask him as though his answer was going to be different, and Joonmyun had to act like he was accomplishing some great feat by saying no. Another performance, another routine.

Jongin didn’t know if it was actually Joonmyun’s morals that stopped him from paying for Jongin’s mouth or if he was just so caught up in his own appearance that he wanted to make sure it looked that way.

But either way, she was grateful. Even if Joonmyun would have been a step up from most of her clients.

After Joonmyun had left and slipped her a fifty that she folded up and tucked away in her bra, Jongin found herself making her way across the room to where her manager was beckoning to her by the bar.

She almost wished that Joonmyun had taken her up on her offer after all. 

 

\---

 

“Is it necessary for _every_ professor to assign midterm papers?” Jongdae griped as he cleaned the espresso machine. “I mean, surely they know that they aren’t the only one with that idea and that we’re all stretched thin as it is.”

“There, there,” Minseok teased, patting Jongdae on the shoulder on his way past. “You’ve been through seven rounds of midterms so far. You can get through it one more time.”

Jongdae groaned, hamming it up as Minseok chuckled fondly.

Jongin knew that Jongdae didn’t mean to make her envious of the fact that he was in college and she wasn’t, but it still stung a little whenever he talked about it- complaining or not.

As she wiped down the counters and tried to keep herself from getting morose over something she couldn’t change, the door jingled and someone was calling out her name.

“ _Jongin_!”

Confused, Jongin looked up, not knowing what to expect. It certainly wasn’t everyday that she got excited visitors at work. The last time that had happened had been when Sehun was home for winter break. 

But it wasn’t Sehun that day, obviously. Instead, it was that tall girl from before- the one who knew that Jongin didn’t like coffee. Chan… Chanyeol?

“I’m so glad you’re here today!” Chanyeol exclaimed, coming over to the still damp counter and leaning over it. “I was in here yesterday and I didn’t see you!”

Chanyeol did an exaggerated pout- eyebrows creased and lower lip jutting out- that looked ridiculous, but somehow had a chuckle lodging in Jongin’s throat. 

“Uh...sorry?” she said, not able to hold back the laugh at the absurdity of the situation. 

“But you’re here now!” Chanyeol rejoiced, mood changing abruptly as she clapped her hands in delight.

Jongin knew that she could sometimes be a little late to get the punchline of a joke, so she wasn’t sure if Chanyeol was fucking with her. But as she looked at the other girl- lips stretched wide over an abundance of teeth and eyes squished and uneven- she was pretty sure she was genuine.

“I’m...here,” she offered, smiling back, albeit awkwardly. She just couldn’t fathom why this random girl cared about her whereabouts. 

“Hooray!” Chanyeol cheered again, and Jongin shifted her weight, looking around for Jongdae to save her like he had last time. But he was on the other side of the cafe, cleaning the tables. She was on her own.

“Um, can I get you anything?” Jongin tried, making her way to the cash register.

“Small, iced mocha!” Chanyeol announced, digging around in her satchel and procuring a few crumpled bills.

“Is that you regular order?” Jongin found herself asking, even though she typically didn’t make small talk, as she counted out Chanyeol’s change.

“This month,” Chanyeol told her with a grin, and Jongin politely smiled back before looking again to see if Jongdae was going to at least come over to make the coffee. But nope. He was heading for the bathrooms to clean. Well, at least Jongin wouldn’t have to do that later.

Moving over to the espresso machine, Jongin started to make Chanyeol’s mocha- the process easy after working there for almost two years.

“ _Wow_! You can even make the coffee?” Chanyeol asked, looking at her with saucer-like eyes filled with awe.

“I _do_ work here,” Jongin said with a chuckle, dipping the steam wand into the milk.

“But you don’t like coffee!” Chanyeol reminded her, looking shocked enough by Jongin’s barista skills that Jongin couldn’t stop the full blown laugh that escaped.

“It’s not like I’m allergic to it,” she guffawed, seeing Chanyeol chuckle out of the corner of her eye.

As she finished up making the mocha, Chanyeol watched her earnestly, eagerly grabbing for the cup when she was handed it over only to set it down and take a picture of it.

“Made special, by Jongin,” she explained as she tucked her phone away in her bag and picked up the drink to take a sip.

Jongin snorted, but was startled out of saying anything in response by Chanyeol’s loud sounds of enjoyment.

“It’s delicious! Best mocha ever!” she declared, somehow managing to smile as she took another drag from the straw.

Jongin felt her cheeks flush, even though she knew that Chanyeol was full of it.

“Don’t let Jongdae hear you,” she giggled. “He takes coffee making much more seriously than I do.”

“But he _likes_ coffee,” Chanyeol pointed out. “So his skills aren’t as impressive.”

Jongin conceded, mostly because she was pretty sure Chanyeol wasn’t going to stop with the unnecessary praise, but also because she was kind of enjoying the whole exchange- ridiculous as it was.

“I have to go to class, but I’ll see you again soon, Jongin!” Chanyeol told her, loping out the door with an enthusiastic wave.

Jongin snorted, smiling to herself as she took the used stirrer to the sink. 

 

\---

 

Kai relaxed her throat, the taste of latex on her tongue as a big hand pressed against the back of her neck. Held in place, she sucked in air through her nose as she gripped the arms of the chair in the private room- the fabric worn thin by years of use and more hands than anyone cared to count. Her shoulders hurt a little from the position, but holding onto the chair was preferable to the dirty jeans covering the thighs on either side of her.

Eyes watering slightly, Kai blinked rapidly to hold off the moisture. Some men enjoyed the debauched look of a girl with mascara running down her cheeks, but others found it sloppy. And besides, she didn’t want the trouble of fixing her makeup later. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” was uttered above her, strained and ugly sounding. “ _Yeah. Fuck. Take it. I know you fucking love my huge cock down your throat. Slut._ ”

This one would probably get off on seeing her completely degraded with black staining her cheeks- calling her a filthy whore and shoving her aside like the reminder that she was human both repulsed and excited him. But Kai was always in control of herself, so he’d have to made due with the reddened mouth and puffy lips- something she couldn’t help.

The guttural grunts above her were getting louder and closer together- the hand on her nape squeezing hard enough that the skin would be red for the rest of the night. 

Bracing herself, Kai was ready for the last sharp thrust as an end was reached- the back of her throat aching, but no more than she was used to.

Jongin was a million miles away.

 

\---

 

“Man! I need to learn your schedule!” was Jongin’s only warning before Chanyeol was draping herself over the counter- long arms dangling next to where Jongin was tidying up.

Jongin was exhausted from a double shift at the club the day before, and she certainly hadn’t been ready for all the enthusiasm and energy that seemed to radiate around Chanyeol (though she clearly should have been).

“I was here yesterday, but Jongdae said you weren’t working,” Chanyeol went on, fingers drumming on the side of the blender as she pouted in Jongin’s direction. “I thought you’d be here since you were here last Wednesday.”

Jongin wasn’t sure if she should tell Chanyeol that she wasn’t really supposed to be hanging so far over the counter that she was practically behind it.

“I don’t really have a regular schedule,” Jongin explained, deciding to let the fact that Chanyeol was fiddling with the syrups go.

“Oh, you don’t?” Chanyeol asked, looking at Jongin- genuinely interested. “How come?”

“I...have a second job,” Jongin told her, not seeing any way out of the question, and feeling her stomach start to knot up.

“Oh wow. You must work a lot!” Chanyeol marvelled before she asked the dreaded question. “What’s your other job?”

Chanyeol probably just thought she was making friendly conversation- maybe expecting Jongin to tell her she was a part time au pair with irregular hours, or something else equally as innocent. She couldn’t have known that she’d just asked Jongin about the thing she was most ashamed of- the thing she had to push from her mind when she went to sleep at night because it felt like it was tearing through her insides. Chanyeol couldn’t have known that she’d asked the one question that Jongin _never_ answered.

In her attempt to think of a way to skirt the question that wouldn’t make her seem entirely insane or bitchy, she must have looked panicked, because Chanyeol quickly straightened up from where she’d been sprawled on the counter- v-neck askew so her lime green bra was starting to show- and backpedaled. 

“I’m sorry. It’s none of my business,” she apologized, big eyes earnest as they always seemed to be. “You’re probably a secret agent or something. You don’t have to tell me.”

The secret agent comment threw Jongin off enough that she found herself barking out a surprised laugh instead of scurrying away in embarrassment and shame.

Chanyeol smiled, and Jongin felt her stomach unknot. 

“Can I...get you something?” Jongin asked, belatedly remembering what she was supposed to be doing.

“Yes! Now that you _are_ here, I’d like one of your famous mochas,” Chanyeol requested with a grin, reaching into her _fanny pack_ (it was a cute, striped pattern, to be fair) for some cash.

“It’s not my famous mocha,” Jongin argued with a laugh as she rung Chanyeol up, even though she knew that there was little point in protesting.

“What if I told you it was seriously better than the ones Jongdae makes?” Chanyeol challenged, looking at her playfully as Jongin started making the drink in question.

“I’d tell you that you were crazy,” Jongin replied, feeling lighter with the banter than she had in a while. “And I’d definitely tell you to keep it down because Jongdae will be offended.”

Chanyeol burst out laughing, mouth wide and hands slapping together noisily. 

“ _This_ is why you’re my favorite barista,” Chanyeol told her, and Jongin found herself feeling a little pleased even though she didn’t totally understand what the _this_ was that Chanyeol was talking about.

“Here’s your...kind of famous mocha,” Jongin said when she was finished, handing over the drink and suddenly feeling shy. What if Chanyeol didn’t like it as much today? But she needn’t have worried since Chanyeol took a big gulp and gave Jongin an enthusiastic thumbs up.

“Hey, so, what time do you get off work today?” Chanyeol asked when she had swallowed.

Jongin frowned, confused.

“I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get dinner!” Chanyeol explained, almost choking on her drink in her haste. 

“Together?” Jongin asked dumbly, wanting to kick herself the moment the word was out of her mouth. Of _course_ she meant together. Chanyeol wasn’t asking if Jongin planned to ever ingest food again.

“Yeah!” Chanyeol answered, grin getting a little wobbly.

Jongin didn’t usually do anything social unless Sehun was home from college or on the very rare occasion Tae was awake during the daylight hours and wanted lunch. Jongin didn’t usually _want_ to do anything social since she was so wrung out all the time. But...Chanyeol was looking more and more like she was expecting rejection and Jongin didn’t like it.

“I get off at 5:30,” she blurted out before she could talk herself out of it. 

Chanyeol blinked at her as Jongin took a calming breath.

“So...do you want to get dinner?” Chanyeol clarified, looking at Jongin like she was a puzzle.

“Oh,” Jongin realized that telling Chanyeol what time she got off work was only answering half the question. “Yeah. Yeah, we should get dinner.” She nodded, hoping she didn’t look like too much of a freak.

“Great!” Chanyeol beamed. “I’ll come by at 5:30 to pick you up?”

“Okay,” Jongin nodded again weakly, smiling.

As Chanyeol let herself out, bells on the door clanging extra loudly like they’d absorbed some of Chanyeol’s energy, Jongin wondered just what she’d gotten herself into.

 

\---

 

Something about Chanyeol’s spastic nature had Jongin thinking that she was going to be late, but to her surprise, Chanyeol waltzed in at 5:29, just as Jongin was finishing up an americano for a customer. 

Even as Chanyeol waved happily at her as she settled at a table to wait, Jongin felt her stomach clutch with nerves. 

Since when did she go out to dinner with people she’d only briefly met? It was _way_ out of Jongin’s comfort zone. 

But Chanyeol seemed nice, Jongin reminded herself. And she knew she should make more friends since most of her friends were away at college. Despite sometimes lying to her mom that she was going out with friends when she was actually going to work at the club, her mom was always telling her to have more fun and relax sometimes. Maybe she had a point. 

Saying goodbye to Minseok and getting her purse, Jongin took a deep breath. This wasn’t scary. It was just dinner with Chanyeol, whom Jongdae knew a little bit. She was only _kind of_ a stranger. And Jongin probably wouldn’t even have to talk that much, what with how much Chanyeol seemed to. It would be fine.

“Ready?” Chanyeol asked eagerly when Jongin made her way over to the table she was waiting at. 

At Jongin’s nod, Chanyeol jumped up with a grin- chair scraping somewhat unpleasantly against the floor.

“I was just playing this phone game,” Chanyeol explained without Jongin asking. “I was breeding dragons.” She paused and let out a loud laugh as they stepped outside. “I guess that sounds pretty weird. But it’s fun!”

Jongin smiled when Chanyeol aimed her grin in her direction. See? Not intimidating. Chanyeol didn’t appear to have unreachable expectations regarding socializing. She’d be fine. 

“Did you drive here or…?” Jongin asked as they stepped off the sidewalk.

“Nah,” Chanyeol told her with a shake of her head. “It’s so close to campus that I can just walk. And I figured there were enough places here to eat. Unless you wanted to go somewhere we can’t walk to? I can go get my car. It’s just a ten minute walk from here-”

“It’s fine,” Jongin interrupted, flushing slightly when Chanyeol abruptly cut herself off to listen. “We can just go somewhere around here. That’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Chanyeol wanted to know, still looking like she was ready to take off in a sprint towards where her car was.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Jongin nodded, casting a glance around to see if there was anywhere cheap to eat that she could point out.

“Do you want Mexican?” Chanyeol asked, pointing at a restaurant that Jongin knew to be inexpensive that was across the street. 

“That sounds great,” Jongin told her, relieved. Close by and not too expensive. 

Chanyeol cheered and led the way across the parking lot, telling Jongin more about her dragon game. 

Even though Jongin was awkward with new people, Chanyeol didn’t seem to mind. It was going to be fine. 

 

\---

 

When they’d settled at a rickety table by the window, Chanyeol with a burrito the size of her head and Jongin with a quesadilla, Jongin was more preoccupied by her growling stomach than by the fear that she wouldn’t be able to keep up the conversation. 

Plus, Chanyeol had moved on from dragons to telling Jongin about the time that Jongdae fell asleep in class.

By the time they were finished with their meals and nibbling on the complimentary corn chips, Jongin was actually having a good time. Chanyeol didn’t appear bothered by Jongin’s shyness- allowing a comfortable silence while they both chewed or jumping in with a story or question before the silence stretched too long.

“So, now for the million dollar question,” Chanyeol announced, taking a swig of her pop, and Jongin had a moment of panic. Was she going to ask about Jongin’s other job that she’d politely let go previously?

“Why do you work at a cafe when you hate coffee?”

Jongin burst into relieved laughter, and Chanyeol just smiled at her from across the table as she waited for an answer. 

That was another thing- although Chanyeol (blessedly) talked a lot, she was equally good at sitting back and listening when Jongin spoke, like she was honestly enraptured by whatever lame answer Jongin was giving her.

“It’s not anything interesting,” Jongin warned her, breaking a chip in half and popping the smaller half in her mouth.

“So, it wasn’t a dare? You didn’t lose a bet? You’re not trying to overcome your crippling fear of coffee?” Chanyeol joked and Jongin covered her mouth as she laughed.

“No, nothing like that,” she confirmed, fiddling with the one clean napkin remaining on their table. “I just needed a job, and they were hiring. The sandwich place I worked at before was moving locations and their new location was going to be a lot further from my house, so I applied a bunch of places. But it kind of makes sense for me to work there since I’d done food prep previously.” Jongin shrugged, wishing she was a better storyteller. Or that she had better stories, maybe.

Chanyeol nodded thoughtfully, like she was taking it all in- like it had been even remotely fascinating. 

“It’s impressive,” Chanyeol said after a moment, and Jongin almost choked on her water. 

“Yeah, okay,” Jongin snorted, not meaning for the bitterness to creep into her voice.

“No, seriously!” Chanyeol insisted, eyes wide as though she could convey her sincerity through some serious eye contact. “It’s really hard to do something well that you dislike. And you do your job really well! I wasn’t kidding when I said you make really good mochas!”

Jongin chuckled awkwardly, not sure how to take that. She knew what Chanyeol meant, but...she really didn’t feel that she deserved any praise for making people coffee at a job she wasn’t passionate about.

“I mean, I hate math, so it’s so hard to really give it my all,” Chanyeol went on. “In high school, I did well in all of my classes except for math because I wasn’t _applying myself_.” Here, she made her voice lower, so Jongin suspected she was imitating a math teacher she’d had. “In college, I’ve had to take math classes for my music production major, and they take those scores really seriously, so I knew I had to do well. It was so much harder and so much more work to do well in a subject that I dislike than one I like, and it took so much perseverance to just get myself to fully commit.”

Though she looked a bit like a kid trying to be serious with the furrow of her brows on her animated face, Jongin found herself held captive as Chanyeol spoke. It was a different side of her than Jongin had seen, but she was just as expressive as when she was making a joke.

“So, what I’m saying is that I know it’s hard to do something well when it’s not something you’re interested in,” Chanyeol finished, looking at her like she wanted to be sure that Jongin knew that she wasn’t just giving her empty praise. 

Jongin felt her cheeks heat under Chanyeol’s unwavering gaze.

“Thank you,” she replied shyly on a quiet giggle, and Chanyeol beamed. “And, uh, good job with math.”

“Thanks!” Chanyeol laughed. “We should definitely do this again. Or it doesn’t have to be this. We could...go skydiving next time.”

Jongin goggled for a second before laughing as well. Somehow, Chanyeol managed to surprise her every time she opened her mouth.

“Maybe not skydiving,” she hedged. “But we can think of something.” 

Chanyeol grinned even harder.

 

\---

 

“I can’t believe you’re gonna be home in two weeks!” Jongin exclaimed, smiling giddily at Sehun through her webcam. 

“Two weeks seems so far away!” Sehun complained, tucking her hair behind her ear and grimacing over dramatically. “It seems like all the other colleges have their breaks now, but I have to wait.” She pouted. “Plus, I have so much to do between now and then!”

“You can do it!” Jongin reassured her. “Remember when we used to stay up late, stressing out about biology tests in high school? Somehow, we got through that class even though we thought we were gonna die. You can get through all your papers and exams.”

Sehun pouted a bit longer before she sighed. “You’re right. And at least I don’t have to dissect any pig fetuses.” 

Jongin shuddered in recollection. “Very true.”

“So how’s your job going?” Sehun asked, blowing her bangs out of her eyes and leaning forward. “Dissect anything lately?”

“What would I dissect at a coffee shop?” Jongin balked, watching Sehun’s eyes scrunch up as she giggled.

“I dunno,” she shrugged, amused by her own humor. “A sandwich. Your boss.”

“Sehun!” Jongin admonished, letting out a shocked chuckle at the macabre joke.

“I was just _asking_ ,” Sehun defended, still appearing entertained. “But seriously. How _is_ your job?”

“Same as always,” she replied, trying to think of something interesting to report. “This girl whom Jongdae knows keeps coming in because she thinks it’s funny that I don’t like coffee…”

Sehun laughed. “I guess you _are_ a bit of a freak there.”

“Hey!” Jongin scowled, pretending to be mad. “You don’t like coffee either!”

“Yeah, but I don’t work in a coffee shop,” Sehun pointed out.

“True,” Jongin had to concede, smiling to herself when she thought of Chanyeol continually praising her barista skills.

“But you’ve been getting home from work so late,” Sehun observed, demeanor changing from playful to concerned. “Can’t you take more middle of the day shifts?”

“I work those sometimes, too,” Jongin told her with a joking lilt to her voice, trying to keep it light.

Sehun’s forehead was still creased. This wasn’t the first time she’d fussed over Jongin working too hard. It was an exchange they’d had many times over the years. But while it was a practiced routine, Jongin knew that Sehun’s heart was in it every time.

“You worry about your midterms,” Jongin instructed playfully, hoping they could get off the subject before Sehun started asking more specific questions that would be harder to answer. “I’ll worry about me.”

Grimacing at the mention of her midterms, Sehun acquiesced

“I’ll be home soon and I can sit on you to make sure you’re getting enough rest,” Sehun promised gleefully.

“It’s a deal,” Jongin agreed, swallowing down the guilt at lying to her best friend and focusing on how excited she was to see Sehun instead. 

 

\---

 

When Jongin finished her shift at the coffee shop the next day and she checked her phone, she saw a text from Chanyeol that said _DUCKIES!_ with a video attached. As she sat in her car before she pulled out, she watched the video of five fluffy ducklings scrambling to keep up with their mother. Based on the shaky camerawork and the cooing in the background, it was obvious that Chanyeol had filmed the video herself.

Chuckling, Jongin sent back a quick response exclaiming over the cuteness before she headed off in the direction of home. She had just under two hours to shower and get ready for her shift at the club that night. But as she drove, she found herself thinking more about the random text from Chanyeol than how much she was dreading that evening. Why had Chanyeol thought to send her a video of ducks, anyway? Not that she was complaining. She just hadn’t expected animal videos when she’d exchanged numbers with Chanyeol after they’d had dinner.

Somehow though, knowing what she did about Chanyeol, a video of ducks being the first thing she sent her made sense. 

Chanyeol’s response, that she read when she was waiting for the water to warm up for her shower, was a little more like what Jongin had been initially expecting. 

_want to come up with a skydiving alternative for tomorrow afternoon?_

Apparently, Chanyeol remembered Jongin telling her that the next day was her only day off for two weeks. _A skydiving alternative_. Jongin snorted.

 _As long as it’s not bungee jumping_ , Jongin typed back before stepping into the shower.

 _HAHAHA XD how about a movie?_ was the text that greeted her when she got out, hair dripping onto the screen as she read it.

It was with some surprise that Jongin realized she actually _wanted_ to hang out with Chanyeol. 

Not that there was anything wrong with Chanyeol. Jongin just tended to avoid most social situations, especially if it was with people she didn’t know well. She couldn’t even count the number of times she’d made excuses not to come to the gatherings Jongdae occasionally had in his off-campus apartment on the weekends. And when Tae had tried to get her to go to a bar downtown, Jongin had been quick to decline. Yet here she was, actually _looking forward_ to going to a movie with Chanyeol. 

_Sure, a movie is good_ , Jongin replied before she could over analyze her sudden desire to be remotely social. 

As they hammered out the details, Jongin decided to embrace her newfound enthusiasm for company. 

Maybe a change in routine would do her some good.

 

\---

 

Kai swayed her hips, widening her thighs to straddle a man's lap and push her breasts into his face. He'd just slid a twenty into her g-string- enough for a lapdance where he was free to grope her over her thong and bra as much as he pleased.

Sweaty hands gripped her ass cheeks as she undulated in his lap, able to feel his erection pressing against her every time she dipped her hips.

Fumbling fingers dug into her waist, finding their way to her breasts where they were spilling over the cups of her push-up bra. The fingers squeezed and Jongin inwardly winced. She was due for her period any day so her breasts were sensitive. But Kai didn't show her discomfort, simply tossing her hair over one shoulder and bringing her upper arms tighter against her sides to press her breasts together.

"Dirty girl," the man groaned. "You feel how hard you make me?" With that, he roughly grabbed her waist and pulled her down against his erection.

Kai hummed in response, letting her eyes flutter shut like she enjoyed the feel of him against her when, in reality, she didn't want to look at the way he was staring at her- hard, soulless eyes boring into her like she was his. But Kai was no one's.

“I bet you’re gagging to have that in your mouth,” he taunted, fingers pressing against the side of her jaw. “You want me to shove my cock down your throat, so you can feel it for days, huh?”

“If you pay for a room, I can do that,” Kai told him, letting him press his crotch against her ass.

She found it was best to phrase the offer like that- like they were paying for the room and not for her- so they could imagine that she was willing and that the only thing standing in their was was lack of privacy.

“Why wait?” the man replied, and only when he’d harshly grabbed her wrist and forced her hand against his erection did she understand what he meant.

Before she could even try to pull her hand away, he’d shoved the waistband of his sweatpants down to put her hand directly against his cock. 

“We can’t do this here,” she told him, trying and failing to get her wrist out of his grip. “But if we get a room, then I can-”

“Come on, you slut. What are you waiting for?” he complained, ignoring what she was saying completely. “Hurry up and get me off.”

The man used his other hand to force her fingers around his shaft as Kai looked around the club for a security guard. She was thankful when she easily made eye contact with one of the men on duty and tilted her head to signal that she needed him to come over.

“I can get you off in a private room,” Kai told him again calmly, watching the security guard approach out of the corner of her eye.

Still, the man ignored her words, forcing her hand up and down on his length- all the while cursing at her for not doing what he wanted.

“Hey, buddy,” the guard, a seemingly decent guy who had been working at the club longer than Kai had, said when he saw what was happening. “You need to pay for a room for that. We don’t allow that on the floor.”

The man let go of Kai to tuck himself back into his pants while accusing the security guard of checking out his junk.

“I paid twenty bucks for this whore,” he said, getting up- and though he was a head shorter and seventy pounds lighter than the guard, he got up in his face. “I’m just trying to get my money’s worth.”

“Sir, if you don’t abide by the rules, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“I just want to enjoy my lap dance without you looking over my shoulder like some kind of fag,” the guy spit, seeming to be looking for a fight.

“Okay, you’re going to have to follow me outside,” the security guard told him, holding out his arms like he was corralling the man toward the door. By then, two other guards had shown up and all three walked the man out- insults and expletives spilling from his lips all the while. 

Kai caught her manager’s eye and he nodded, giving her permission to take a few moments in the back.

When she was in the dressing room, looking at herself in the mirror as she took a few deep breaths, she was neither Kai nor Jongin. She was empty.

Even though having a run-in like that always shook her, she couldn’t even feel much beyond a sort of distant shakiness and disgust.

“What a fuckhole!” Tae exclaimed, bursting through the door. “He’s still outside giving the guys a hard time, apparently.”

“Shouldn’t you be working?” Jongin asked, watching as Tae aggressively touched up her lipstick. 

“I took my break now to see how you were doing,” Tae explained. “So how _are_ you doing?”

Jongin shrugged. “Fine.”

Tae looked at her a moment like she wasn’t sure she believed her before she nodded decisively. “Good. He’s an ass. Don’t let him get to you. He can just go home and jack off and feel sad about his life. Though I hope the guys rough him up a little before he goes.”

“I don’t care what happens to him,” Jongin told her honestly. 

“He deserves a good punch in the face, if you ask me,” Tae said. “Fuck him.”

Jongin couldn’t muster the anger Tae had, so she just nodded as Tae ranted a little longer- getting quite graphic about what she thought should happen to his balls.

“I should get back out there,” Jongin finally interrupted. 

“You sure you’re okay?” Tae asked, looking Jongin in the eye. “I’m sure no one would blame you if you stayed back a little longer.”

“I’m fine,” Jongin said again, words stale on her tongue and reflection blurred as she stared forward without focusing.

“Okay…” Tae allowed, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. “Let me know if anyone else gives you a hard time out there and I’ll fuck ‘em up for you.”

Jongin had to snort at that, feeling her lips tug a little at the corners. Imagining Tae trying to beat someone up was… She was fiery, but she was a twig.

“Thanks, Tae,” Jongin said, feeling a flicker of warmth in her chest amid the numbness that had spread the moment she’d walked into work that night.

“Anytime,” Tae replied with a beatific smile. 

Stepping back out onto the floor, she felt her chest hollow out as Kai’s trademark smirk painted itself on her face.

 

\---

 

“What do you want to see?” Chanyeol asked, bouncing her heels in front of the big screen showing movie times. 

“Anything is fine,” Jongin said, eyes scanning over titles- some familiar and some not. 

“How about a comedy?” Chanyeol suggested, turning to look at Jongin with a grin. “They’re my favorite.”

“I never would have guessed,” Jongin teased before she could even stop herself. When she realized what she’d said and how familiarly she was treating Chanyeol, she looked over at her- worried that she might have taken offense, but Chanyeol’s surprise quickly morphed into a playful pout.

“I like other kinds of movies, too!” she insisted, and Jongin found herself laughing along when Chanyeol couldn’t keep a straight face.

“Comedy is good,” Jongin told her and Chanyeol beamed.

The movie was good. Jongin really _did_ like comedy. But the best part of the experience was how much _Chanyeol_ enjoyed the movie. 

Whenever something funny happened, Chanyeol’s reaction was explosive- loud, unapologetic laughter, hands clapping, even foot stomping a few times. Occasionally, Chanyeol would nudge Jongin in the side with her elbow, like _isn’t that hysterical_? And they would share a laugh- Chanyeol’s face scrunching up unattractively and making Jongin laugh even more.

The movie _was_ funny, but Chanyeol’s enthusiasm made everything seem even more hilarious, and by the end, it was Jongin smacking Chanyeol on the shoulder as she cracked up, Chanyeol leaning into her space and guffawing even louder than she was.

As they walked out of the theater, Jongin’s sides hurt from laughing, but she found herself more relaxed and content than she’d been in recent memory.

“Wanna get ice cream?” Chanyeol asked when they got to the parking lot- sun just beginning it’s descent. 

Technically, it was probably dinnertime and it wasn’t really warm enough to be considered ice cream weather, but ice cream sounded wonderful. 

 

\---

 

The ice cream shop that Chanyeol had in mind was only a ten minute drive, and they spent the entire commute there quoting the movie and working themselves into laughing fit after laughing fit that continued as they stood in line to order their ice cream.

“And then the one part where the-” Jongin started while they stood to the side, waiting for their ice cream to be scooped. But she cut herself off mid sentence when she caught sight of the man who’d just walked in.

“ _Shit_ ,” Jongin muttered as she turned her head away, adrenaline shooting through her.

“Jongin?” Chanyeol asked, stepping closer and looking at her in concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just…” Jongin started, rotating her body again and making sure to keep her voice down. “Can you get the ice cream? I’ll meet you outside.”

Without waiting for Chanyeol’s response, Jongin walked quickly toward the door and let herself out into the chilly evening air.

She leaned against the passenger door of Chanyeol’s car while she waited, heart still pounding and eyes sharp as she made sure the man didn’t walk out the doors before Chanyeol. 

Fortunately, it was Chanyeol who exited the shop not a minute later, one cone in each hand and a frown on her face.

“What happened?” Chanyeol asked when she made it over to her car. “Are you okay?”

“I just...didn’t want that man who walked in to see me,” Jongin told her, not sure how to explain her behavior without making Chanyeol think she was insane. 

Chanyeol looked back toward the shop and then back at Jongin again.

“Do you want to drive somewhere else to eat these?” she asked, handing Jongin her cone.

Jongin blew out a breath, relieved. “Yes, please.”

 

\---

 

“Thanks,” Jongin said when they were parked in a grocery store parking lot a block away. The car was running so they could have the heat on and not freeze to death while they ate their ice cream, and the radio was playing softly in the background. 

“Of course,” Chanyeol replied around a mouthful of ice cream, eyebrows pinched exaggeratedly as Jongin had noticed was typical when Chanyeol was feeling any sort of slightly negative emotion. “Was that like...an ex or something? I didn’t see him, I-”

“ _No_ ,” Jongin jumped in, feeling bad when Chanyeol almost jumped at the tone of her voice. “Sorry.”

Chanyeol shook her head. “No, don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”

Chanyeol was right. It technically wasn’t any of her business. But Jongin felt sick with the fact that she’d just acted like an insane person, made Chanyeol drive them to a parking lot to eat their snack, and then snapped at her. It wasn’t Chanyeol’s business, but she deserved to know what had just happened since she’d been so understanding. 

“I recognized him from my...other job,” she said, watching as Chanyeol processed that bit of information- looking unsure of whether or not she should inquire further. “He’s a customer.”

Chanyeol still looked confused, understandably, and Jongin took a deep breath.

“I work at a strip club.”

Jongin’s hands were trembling, though she suspected it was from the confession and not the cold. That was the first time she’d ever told anyone where she worked, and she didn’t know if she was more relieved or more terrified that Chanyeol was going to think she was trash.

“My mom and I...our financial situation isn’t the best,” Jongin hastened to explain. “So, any job is good.”

“Are you...one of the dancers?” Chanyeol asked, and Jongin couldn’t read her facial expression.

She nodded.

“Wow, that’s really crazy,” Chanyeol finally said, and Jongin almost did a double take when she saw that Chanyeol wasn’t looking at her in disgust. “You use the poles and stuff?”

Jongin blinked. Chanyeol just seemed...interested?

“Yeah…?”

“Wow, that’s seriously so amazing!” she enthused, and Jongin felt like her eyes were going to bug out of her head from how she was staring at Chanyeol in shock. “I took a pole dancing class once and almost cracked my head open!”

Jongin gaped.

“I know, _me_ taking a pole dancing class was probably just a bad idea from the start,” she laughed, misunderstanding Jongin’s shock. “But it just looks so cool! I wanted to try!”

Of all the reactions she could have predicted, this was _not_ one of them. Jongin had no clue how to respond. She had nothing practiced and prepared.

“You must seriously be so strong,” Chanyeol barrelled on, not put off by Jongin’s silence at all. “I could barely even hold myself up at all. But it makes sense that you’re good at that kind of thing since you said you’ve been dancing since you were a kid. All that stuff is seriously amazing to me.”

“I...thank you?” Jongin tried, knowing that she had to say something at some point even though she suspected that Chanyeol could have rambled for a bit longer with no issue. 

Chanyeol waved her off and then started talking about wanting to take a workout class with hanging silks, but how she’d probably break her neck doing that, too. 

Jongin was still stunned by Chanyeol’s reaction.

She’d just told Chanyeol that she was a stripper, and Chanyeol...was in awe of her strength?

She almost wanted to ask Chanyeol if she’d somehow missed the fact that strippers _strip_ , but decided that she shouldn’t insult her intelligence. Surely she was aware of that. Which meant...that Chanyeol was seriously okay with it. 

That was just astounding to Jongin. She’d imagined endless ways for people to judge her and shame her and show their disgust. But Chanyeol was still grinning at her and chatting with her and acting like it didn’t change anything at all.

Jongin was almost afraid to breathe for the rest of the day- afraid that Chanyeol was going to change her mind and decide that Jongin was despicable after all. But when she didn’t, Jongin was suffused with relief.

She’d told someone. She’d told someone and they didn’t think less of her. It seemed too good to be true, but it _was_ true. 

That night, instead of tossing and turning and agonizing over her life decisions, Jongin fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

 

\---

 

When Chanyeol picked Jongin up at the cafe after her shift two days later, Jongin was almost totally sure that Chanyeol not dismissing her wasn’t a fluke. They’d been texting pretty regularly since Chanyeol had dropped her at home on her day off, and it really appeared that nothing had changed. So, seeing that Chanyeol still greeted her with a big grin when Jongin slid into the passenger seat of Chanyeol’s car had Jongin’s worries flying out the sun roof.

“I’m _starving_ ,” Chanyeol exclaimed as she pulled out into traffic. “How about you? Are you ready to eat?”

“Yes, definitely,” Jongin replied, leaning back and smiling as Chanyeol turned onto a busier street. 

She wasn’t sure if it was just the fact that Chanyeol knew her secret, or something else, but Jongin was amazed by how comfortable she’d become with the other girl in just a few short weeks. 

Maybe it should have been obvious, but she’d really missed having a friend whom she could see in the flesh on a regular basis. Sure, she saw Tae all the time, but that was mostly at work- at a job she hated- so it wasn’t the same. 

Being with Chanyeol made her think of being back in high school and spending all her free time with Sehun. Back then, a bad grade on a test seemed like the end of the world, and a sleepover with lots of snacks was the only thing that could make those bad feelings disappear. Despite how dire everything felt at the time, her life had been much simpler in high school. And even though Jongin had a lot more to worry about than grades, riding along in Chanyeol’s car and listening to Chanyeol sing along to the radio had her feeling almost like things were simple again.

“Do you want anything specific for dinner?” Chanyeol asked, glancing over at Jongin long enough for Jongin to see her reflection in Chanyeol’s gigantic sunglasses before she was looking back out at the road.

“Anything is fine with me,” Jongin told her honestly. 

“Oh! How about sandwiches? There’s this places that makes great subs that’s, like, ten minutes away.”

“Sounds good,” Jongin said with a smile, tapping her leg to the beat of the song playing on the radio.

“All through class this morning, I was just looking at the clock and waiting for it to be over so I could eat!” Chanyeol said, making a turn. “I guess that’s what I get for skipping breakfast.”

“I end up skipping breakfast whenever I work the early morning shift at the cafe,” Jongin confessed. “But at least I can eat something on my break.”

“That’s good. I-”

Jongin missed what Chanyeol said after that when she saw the area they were coming up on.

Even from a block away, she could see the neon sign of the club- looking sad and faded in the daylight. The girl on the sign who looked like she was dancing at night with the way the lights flashed just looked like she had three legs during the day. And the way the sign was rusted next to the word _gentleman_ just made the phrase _gentleman’s club_ even more out of place.

Even though she knew she wasn’t on her way to work and that Chanyeol wasn’t going to pull into the parking lot and make her go in, Jongin felt herself shrinking back like she was gearing up for Kai to take over.

“Jongin?” Chanyeol said, cutting into her thoughts. “Are you listening? Are you okay?”

“Sorry,” Jongin apologized, forcing her heart to stay in her chest where it belonged instead of hiding away in a locked box and leaving her feeling hollow. “I- just. That’s where I work.”

Jongin watched Chanyeol’s gaze move to the club- to the three-legged girl on the sign and to the drab looking grey cement walls of the square building. 

Maybe in Chanyeol’s head, she’d imagined Jongin working at a nice, classy place. Or at least classy as far as strip clubs went. Maybe now that she’d seen where Jongin really worked, the reality would make her think differently. 

“Would you rather go to lunch further away from here?” was all Chanyeol said, glancing at Jongin’s face as they passed the club.

 _Not going in_ , Jongin reminded herself and felt herself relax a bit as they drove.

“No, it’s fine,” Jongin assured her. “I just. It’s weird passing it. And not going in. It’s good, not going in.”

“Okay…” Chanyeol still looked concerned, so Jongin forced herself to smile- wishing that she hadn’t brought it up.

“Really, it’s fine,” she said again. “I just don’t usually drive by when I’m not going to work. But I’m not going now, and I’m glad. I’m starving.”

Chanyeol grinned, and Jongin felt her smile become real.

Kai was nowhere in sight, and Jongin was happy to be on her way to lunch with Chanyeol.

For just a bit, Jongin would pretend that she wasn’t going to have to pull into that parking lot the next day and go inside.

For just a bit, she would enjoy herself and forget all of that. 

It wasn’t permanent, but for the first time in a long time, she was able to smile long enough that she could actually forget.

 

\---

 

Kai slammed her hand down on the button on the side table, counting in her head until the door opened to reveal two security guards.

Usually she didn’t have so much trouble from clients in such a short timespan. Maybe it was close to a full moon, or something.

“What seems to be the problem, here?” the newer guard, asked, and Kai thought he sounded like he was pretending to be a police officer. 

“Bitch won’t let me fuck her,” the man said, as though they had come to _his_ aid.

“Kai doesn’t offer that,” the other guard informed him calmly, stepping into the room slightly. 

“Bullshit,” the man complained, one hand on Jongin’s hip to keep her where she was. “I just fucked a girl in here last week.”

“Not all girls here do that,” the guard explained. “If you want someone to have sex with, I can go find a girl for you who does that.”

When Jongin had been coerced into giving sexual favors for money, she’d drawn the line at actual sex. By technical standards, she was a virgin, and she had no intention of letting some client fuck her. It was different, getting someone off, than allowing them to be inside her. It was a level of vulnerability she wasn’t willing to get to. At least when she was using her hand or mouth, she was in control- whether the men wanted to realize it or not. 

“Fucking bullshit,” the man grumbled, but got up and followed the security guard out of the room without a second look at Kai. 

The second guard glanced at her and then left as well. 

Kai let out a breath. She could probably take five minutes to regroup and touch up her makeup and then she’d have to be back on the floor. 

 

\---

 

Two hours, four lapdances, and a blowjob later, Jongin’s shift was finally over. As she always did leaving the club, she felt disgusting. All she wanted was a shower.

Stepping into the parking lot, Jongin looked to make sure there were no men around who could corner her when she was alone. There was only person in the parking lot- lit up by the flashing neon sign- and it wasn’t a man.

It was...Chanyeol, standing next to her car and looking entirely out of place. 

Any girl on the premises had on heaps of makeup and obviously worked there. Chanyeol, in a canvas jacket, jeans, and tennis shoes, appearing to be wearing little or no makeup as she typically did, looked like she’d been plucked out of a whole other world and dropped in this one.

When Chanyeol spotted her, she grinned- waving exaggeratedly like Jongin could possibly miss her. 

“What are you doing here?” Jongin asked, walking swiftly over to her. God forbid one of the men come out and say something nasty to her.

“I came to take you to a late dinner. Or a midnight snack, I guess,” she explained, still smiling, but looking a little worried that maybe she’d overstepped her bounds. “You mentioned what time you got off tonight, so I thought maybe you’d be hungry.”

Jongin didn’t know if she was more happy to see Chanyeol or more mortified that Chanyeol was seeing her at the club after a shift. Sure, it wasn’t like they were inside and Jongin had changed into her street clothes, but she still had all her makeup on, and she could practically feel the sweaty handprints from the men inside all over her body.

However, Chanyeol’s hopeful facial expression and just the fact that she’d come all the way out to meet Jongin at midnight had Jongin leaning mostly toward grateful. 

“You didn’t have to come all the way out here,” Jongin told her, feeling something in her chest loosen to have Chanyeol smiling at her after all the men who’d looked at her like she was a pretty thing they wanted to use. 

Chanyeol waved her off. “I don’t have class until the afternoon tomorrow. And I was feeling peckish, so I thought why not kill two birds with one stone! Are you hungry?”

“Really hungry,” Jongin admitted. And even though she always showered first thing, she figured she could make an exception this time.

“What do you want to eat?” Chanyeol asked, gung-ho now that she knew Jongin wasn’t mad at her for showing up unannounced. 

“Fried chicken?” Jongin chanced, stomach growling at just the thought.

Chanyeol grinned. “Done!”

Her awful evening seemed to have taken a turn for the much, much better. 

 

\---

 

“How come we’ve been seated in the Dopey booth probably ten times and yet we’ve never once been seated in the evil queen booth?” Sehun griped when their server walked away, smacking her hand against the wall of the diner- palm landing flat against the dwarf’s stomach.

Sehun was finally home for spring break, so she and Jongin were catching up in the unofficial, unlicensed Snow White themed diner that they’d been frequenting since Jongin had gotten her driver’s license when she was sixteen.

Since that time, it had been Sehun’s life goal to be seated in the booth with the painting of the evil queen on the wall. Five years later, and she’d still had no luck.

“I’m sure they’d seat us there if you just _asked_ ,” Jongin said, as she did every single time they were seated by Snow White or a dwarf and Sehun got to complaining.

“ _No_ ,” Sehun refused emphatically, as she always did. “It has to be _organic_ or it doesn’t count!”

Jongin sighed, letting it go. Once Sehun got something into her head, it was very difficult to get it out again.

“But anyway,” Sehun went on, switching gears. “Yay! I’m done with mid-terms and on spring vacation, finally!”

Jongin grinned, happy to have her best friend home again, even if it was only for a week.

“You survived!” Jongin congratulated her, and Sehun slumped against the table with a theatrical groan to show just how close to _not_ surviving she’d been.

“I did,” Sehun agreed, turning her attention to the waitress when she came by to take their orders.

“So, how have you been?” Sehun asked when the waitress left, and they’d both ordered their usuals. “How’s your mom?”

“She had an interview the other week,” Jongin told her, taking a sip of water. “But she didn’t get the job.”

Sehun made a sympathetic face. She was pretty much the only one who knew the extent of Jongin’s and her mother’s financial struggles, though Jongin had filled Chanyeol in a little bit if only to justify her second job, and Sehun had been Jongin’s constant support and confidant about everything since high school. 

“So, you’re just picking up extra shifts still?” Sehun asked and Jongin felt her stomach plummet as she nodded and took a drink, so she wouldn’t have to answer.

“But you know the girl who thinks it’s funny that I don’t like coffee?” Jongin prompted, wanting to change the subject. “I’ve hung out with her a few more times, and it’s been fun.”

“Chanyeol, you said her name was?” Sehun asked, turning to thank the waitress when she brought over Sehun’s pop. 

“Yeah,” Jongin said, taking another sip of her water.

“You said she was kind of nuts?” Sehun laughed, referring to one of their webcam conversations.

Jongin snorted. “She is...but in a good way. She’s really nice.”

“That’s good,” Sehun smiled. “I’m glad you have someone to hang out with when your wonderful best friend isn’t her.” She tossed her hair, batting her lashes and Jongin laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Mmmhmm.”

“Oh! Speaking of nuts people!” Sehun exclaimed, sitting up on her foot and hitting the table with a palm. “There’s this girl on my floor that just came to our door at, like, one in the morning the other night, and basically let herself in. And then she started rambling about how she was from a very naked family. Like, what? And then-”

Having brought up Chanyeol, Jongin couldn’t help but think of how she’d told Chanyeol, whom she’d only known a few weeks, that she stripped, and yet she hadn’t told Sehun- her best friend for _years_

When she hadn’t told anyone, she was at least able to justify lying to Sehun. But now that she’d told Chanyeol…

Guilt welled up in Jongin’s throat as she looked across the restaurant at the evil queen frowning at her from the other wall.

“SehunIworkatastripclub,” Jongin blurted out in the middle of Sehun theorizing about whether or not the crazy girl from her floor actually did drugs.

Abruptly pausing in the middle of her sentence, Sehun blinked at Jongin.

“Huh?”

Jongin took a deep breath and avoided the evil queen’s chastising stare. 

“I...work at a strip club.”

Sehun stared at her a moment with wide eyes, looking like she wasn’t comprehending it at all.

“I thought you worked in the cafe?”

“I do,” Jongin confirmed, stomach in knots and heart about ready to beat out of her chest. “But I also work at a strip club.”

What if Sehun was so disgusted that she didn’t want to be friends anymore? What if she dropped her, just like that?

“How long have you worked there?” Sehun asked, brow furrowed.

“A little bit over a year,” she confessed, voice starting to shake. This was it. Sehun was going to walk out of her life and-

“Dammit, Jongin, why didn’t you tell me?” Sehun demanded, looking upset. “A _year_?”

“I was too scared to tell you,” Jongin admitted. “And ashamed.”

Sehun let out a breath and slumped back in the booth. 

“Is your money situation that bad?”

“Yeah…?” Jongin shrugged. “If I just worked at the cafe, we’d be under every month for our bills.”

“I really wish you’d told me,” Sehun said, frowning.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispered, voice failing and fear coursing through her. Sehun was going to leave. She was going to-

“Jongin, don’t cry!” Sehun exclaimed, horrified.

Without even realizing it, a tear had spilled over and rolled down her cheek.

Sehun was out of her seat and shoving in next to Jongin on the bench before Jongin could even wipe the tear away. Arms wrapped around her, Sehun squeezed.

“Stop crying or else I’ll cry too,” Sehun complained, sounding petulant even as she tried to hug the life out of Jongin.

“You still want to be my friend?” Jongin asked meekly, sniffling and feeling like a seven year old.

Sehun stopped hugging her so she could lean back and look Jongin in the eye- patented judgmental face in place.

“Are you kidding? Of course I do, you idiot,” Sehun griped, voice sounding just a little weak like when she was trying not to cry- a tell that Jongin had become familiar with over the course of their friendship.

Jongin threw her arms around Sehun and nearly knocked her over with the force of her hug.

“Stop being such a sap,” Sehun complained, but Jongin knew that she was full of it since she was hugging Jongin back just as tightly. 

 

\---

 

“Oh! I thought of a good one!” Chanyeol said, tapping the steering wheel excitedly. 

Chanyeol was driving Jongin back to the cafe after she’d taken her out for lunch during her break- an occurrence that was becoming common in the week since Sehun had gone back to school. 

“When I was, like, four,” Chanyeol went on, “I didn’t understand how sun visors worked. My mom just told me they were to keep the sun out of your eyes. But I didn’t understand _how_. I thought it was a magic forcefield or something. So, one day when the sun was setting, I put on this pink visor I had and stared into the sun for a few minutes- waiting for it to work.”

Jongin guffawed.

“Needless to say, it didn’t,” Chanyeol said. “So, I gave up and complained to my mom that my visor was broken.”

“But first you stared into the sun for an extended period of time,” Jongin pointed out with a laugh. “That explains a lot.”

“Hey,” Chanyeol countered, trying to scowl in Jongin’s direction even as she laughed along. “It was only a few minutes and I’m not blind! Staring into the sun doesn’t cause brain damage...I don’t think.”

Jongin cackled, leaning over to smack Chanyeol in the shoulder while she laughed.

“I don’t have any as insane as that, but I never knew that the D in the Disney logo was supposed to be a D until, like, two years ago,” Jongin offered.

“Oh yeah!” Chanyeol agreed, turning right onto the street where the cafe was located. “It still looks like a weird treble clef to me even though I know what it’s supposed to be.” 

Chuckling, Jongin sighed as the cafe came into view. She definitely didn’t hate her job as a barista, but hanging out with Chanyeol was much more enjoyable. 

“Hey, so,” Chanyeol started as she pulled into the lot, “I have a question.”

Jongin glanced at the time. She still had five more minutes before she had to be inside, so she turned to Chanyeol and waited.

“Yeah?”

“I was just...I’ve been wondering if maybe…” Chanyeol started, gaze ricocheting around the car like she was nervous. “I was wondering if you might want to go on a date sometime? With me.”

Finally, Chanyeol’s eyes landed on her- wide and earnest and uncertain.

Jongin was stunned. 

Chanyeol was asking her out? Where had _that_ come from? Jongin had never suspected that Chanyeol liked her in that way. Though she supposed that Chanyeol _had_ shown a lot of interest in her right from the start that Jongin couldn’t understand. It kind of made sense…

But that didn’t make Jongin feel any more prepared for dealing with the situation at hand with Chanyeol watching her and waiting for an answer.

Aside from random clients at the club hitting on her, she had very little experience with getting asked out. She had no idea what to do.

She’d never even _considered_ dating Chanyeol. Because why would Chanyeol want to date her?

Jongin _really_ didn’t want to hurt Chanyeol, but she couldn’t _date_ her. Jongin couldn’t be what she really wanted.

“I-” she started, panicked. “I didn’t think- I. You’re really cool, but-”

Jongin could see the disappointment on Chanyeol’s face before she’d even finished a sentence, and her heart clutched. 

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol interrupted her, putting her out of her misery. What did Chanyeol even _see_ in her? She couldn’t even manage to reject someone properly. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I am perfectly happy being friends.”

Chanyeol forced a smile and Jongin’s chest ached, even as she felt relief wash over her. They could be friends. Chanyeol didn’t hate her. She hadn’t screwed everything up.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Chanyeol went on. “I mean, you probably didn’t even know I liked girls!” She laughed, but it was forced, and Jongin felt like the shittiest person on earth.

“I actually never really considered it one way or another…” Jongin admitted. “I don’t mind that you…”

“Thanks for being understanding, Jongin,” Chanyeol said, shooting her a real smile.

Jongin felt her heart wobble. She shook her head. “Thank _you_ for being understanding.”

Chanyeol waved her off with a chuckle. “Nah. I’m just glad we can stay friends.”

“Of course!” Jongin jumped in. She really didn’t want to lose Chanyeol as a friend. “I really want to stay friends. This doesn’t have to- I hope this doesn’t change that.”

Chanyeol shook her head, a slightly sad smile on her face. “It won’t change anything, I promise. Now go to work before you boss fires you for being late.”

Jongin wasn’t sure if she was relieved for the out or if she was disappointed that she couldn’t stay and make absolutely sure that she hadn’t ruined everything.

Regardless, she really did have to go.

“I’ll text you later, okay?” Chanyeol said, and Jongin realized that Chanyeol might be grateful for the opportunity to recover from being rejected. 

“Okay,” she agreed, unbuckling her seatbelt. “Thanks for taking me to lunch!”

“No problem,” Chanyeol replied, shooking her a smile as Jongin climbed from the car before she drove away.

Jongin didn’t have time to just stand there and process what had just happened. She really _did_ have to get back to work. But as she entered the familiar cafe, she was feeling more mixed up than ever.

 

\---

 

As much as she tried to focus on work, Jongin couldn’t stop thinking about Chanyeol asking her out.

Chanyeol had _said_ she was happy being just friends, but what if she changed her mind? They hadn’t been friends for long, but Jongin couldn’t deny how much happier she’d been since she’d met Chanyeol. Now that she was smiling on a regular basis, whether it was because she was with Chanyeol on her days off, grabbing a quick lunch during her breaks, or from a silly text Chanyeol had sent her, she realized just how little she used to smile. 

But then Jongin was stuck with the question, why _did_ Chanyeol want to date her anyway? Chanyeol _knew_ that Jongin was a stripper. Who wanted to date a stripper? Even the men that asked her out when she was on the clock didn’t _really_ want to date her. They wanted her for sex or to be a trophy on their arm. They didn’t want to really get to know her for her. They didn’t want a future. They didn’t want to put in the work to have a real, adult relationship. They just wanted a pretty girl they could call up when they were bored.

Chanyeol was a senior in college, a music production major, with probably tons of other people she could date- people better than Jongin. How was someone like Jongin- a stripper with no college education- supposed to fit into her life? She’d only drag her down. She’d only-

“Jongin?”

Minseok’s voice pulled her from agonizing.

“Hm?” Jongin blinked at him, trying to look as though she hadn’t just been a million miles away.

“I think that counter is clean,” he said, quirking a brow.

Jongin looked down at the square of counter she’d been cleaning for...well, for quite a while, anyway.

“Heh, sorry,” she apologized, trying to laugh it off. “Guess I’m not on my game today.”

“Are you okay?” Minseok asked, brows creasing in concern like they often did when Jongin was yawning and barely able to keep her eyes open after a late shift at the club. “Not enough sleep?”

“I’m okay,” Jongin told him. She actually wasn’t falling asleep on her feet since she hadn’t even worked at the club the day prior. “Just thinking. But I’ll focus. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Minseok said, looking a little skeptical. “Just take care of yourself. And...if you ever need anything, work related or not, let me know, okay?”

Jongin didn’t see herself going to her supervisor about any of her personal problems, but she appreciated the offer anyway.

“Thanks, Minseok,” she told him, and he smiled, patting her on the shoulder like an older brother might. 

“How come, when _I’m_ off my game, I just get a warning to step it up?” Jongdae complained, hand on his hip.

“Jongin is just more endearing than you,” Minseok told him jokingly, and Jongdae huffed.

“How dare you!”

Jongin rolled their eyes fondly as they continued to bicker. She knew that it was all in fun- she’d heard them talking pretty regularly about going to drink together at the sports bar down the street.

As far as jobs went and co-workers to have, she’d gotten pretty lucky here.

But even as she told herself to focus on cleaning up, she couldn’t get Chanyeol out of her head.

 

\---

 

“Great news!” Jongin’s mom trilled as soon as Jongin walked in the door after her shift. “I got a job at the new grocery store up the street!”

It took Jongin in a moment to even process what her mom was saying since her head was still spinning from talking to Chanyeol earlier. 

“Oh,” she blinked. “Oh!”

She hadn’t even known her home had had an interview. Maybe she hadn’t told her in case it was bad news again.

Her mom was smiling at her hopefully, so Jongin knew she should give an actual response.

“Congratuations! That’s awesome,” she said, shooting her mom a smile. It _was_ good news. It was just...she’d gotten good news like this many a time in the past, but it was always followed by bad news a few weeks later. Jongin had gotten used to taking good news with a grain of salt.

She hated that she assumed her mother’s jobs wouldn’t work out, but at least she wasn’t surprised and disappointed every time like she used to be.

“How about a celebratory dinner?” her mom asked, peppy like she hadn’t been in weeks. 

It was kind of jarring when Jongin had been tiptoeing around the house while her mom stayed in her room with the door closed since the last interview that hadn’t worked out.

“Sounds good,” Jongin agreed, trying her best to push everything that had been on her mind all day out of her head, at least for the time being. 

Jongin might not have been holding out much hope for the permanence of this job, but her mother still deserved an evening to enjoy herself and celebrate the victory.

So, as much as Jongin was dying to turn over her conversation with Chanyeol over and over in her head, she had to push that aside. For now, at least.

 

\---

 

True to her word, Chanyeol had texted Jongin that evening with a picture of the dinner she’d made for herself and no mention of the fact that she’d asked Jongin out. Jongin had been relieved. It seemed that they really would be able to go back to the way things had been.

Over the course of the next few weeks, Chanyeol continued to take her out to lunch when Jongin worked the dayshift at the cafe and Chanyeol didn’t have any class. They went out to a late night, fried chicken snack another time, and the movies twice. 

Despite Jongin’s inherent shyness, she felt nearly as comfortable around Chanyeol as she did around Sehun, which was saying quite a bit. Part of it was probably due to the fact that Jongin didn’t have the knowledge that she was hiding something shameful about herself when she was around Chanyeol as she did when she was with most other people. If she had to work at the club, she could just tell Chanyeol that instead of having to come up with some other lie or excuse. 

More than that, Chanyeol did so much to make Jongin feel at ease. It seemed she never ran out of stories to tell or questions to ask. And no matter how bland or bizarre of an answer Jongin gave, Chanyeol seemed to be genuinely interested in what she had to say. 

Growing up, Jongin had felt like many people didn’t bother to engage her since she was so shy, so to have someone take the time to draw her out was different, but nice. It made her think that maybe her stories and jokes weren’t as lame as she’d thought.

And when Chanyeol had a seemingly random idea about what they could do on Jongin’s occasional days off, Jongin found herself eagerly agreeing and not even mourning the loss of a potential nap. At least not much. 

Which was how Jongin found herself traipsing around the zoo on one of the first truly warm days of the year. 

“What do you want to see the most?” Chanyeol asked, holding out the zoo map in front of her in outstretched hands so Jongin could see. 

“Definitely the wolves,” Jongin said, finding the little drawing of wolves on the paper and noting that they were on the other side of the park. “And the wild dogs.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol said with a nod. “And I want to see the meerkats and the otters. And the polar bears!”

Jongin laughed, agreeing. She hadn’t been to the zoo since she was in middle school, but she found the same childlike excitement welling up in her now. 

“We should also have lunch at some point, but we’ll just see when we’re hungry,” Chanyeol added. “We can go see the wild dogs first and then the meerkats since they’re right there. After that the polar bears and then the wolves. And then we can come around this way,” Chanyeol said, pointing to a spot on the map, “and see the otters. Ready?” 

Jongin grinned. “Ready.”

 

\---

 

“Look at him!” Chanyeol exclaimed, pressing herself against the glass as the polar bear swam by. Chanyeol, with her breath fogging the glass and her fingers leaving smudges in their wake, looked just like the kids to their left but about three feet too tall. “Hey, dude! How’s the water?”

Jongin had to assume that last bit was directed at the polar bear since she was looking at him when she said it. 

“Look at you go,” Chanyeol marvelled, eyes following him as he smoothly moved through the water. 

While Chanyeol couldn’t take her eyes off the bear, Jongin kept looking back and forth between the bear and Chanyeol watching the bear. She wasn’t entirely sure which was more entertaining. 

It wasn’t until the polar bear climbed up, out of the water a few minutes later that Chanyeol un-peeled herself from the glass- big hand prints left behind. 

“Aren’t they amazing?” Chanyeol asked, smiling happily. “So big, but so graceful in the water.”

Jongin nodded, happy to have seen the polar bears (and to have seen Chanyeol enjoy herself so much), but also excited about their next stop at the wolves’ habitat. They were her favorite- had been since she was just a little kid and her mom had had to pick her up to see into the wolf enclosure. 

But before they could head out after a verbal farewell to the polar bear, a loud cry rang through the underground viewing area. 

Looking over, Jongin saw a little boy with wide, frightened eyes standing in the corner- tears running down his cheeks and his mouth open in a sob. He must have been only three, Jongin guessed. She glanced around, looking for the boy’s parents, but only saw a couple of other people looking over at the boy in concern and confusion.

Before she could say anything to Chanyeol about maybe trying to locate the boy’s family, Chanyeol was already making her way over to the fussing child. Dropping to a squat in front of him so they were eye level, Chanyeol spoke softly to him- apparently asking him something because he replied in a shaky, hiccuping voice a second later. 

Belatedly, Jongin joined Chanyeol at the boy’s side. 

“I’m sure your mom is close by,” Chanyeol was saying gently- the boy sniffling and scrubbing his nose with the back of his hand. “Let’s find her, okay?”

“W-what if we can’t?” he asked, sounding close to sobbing again at just the thought.

“We will,” Chanyeol assured him. “I promise.”

Casting a wary look in Jongin’s direction since she was the newcomer, the boy took Chanyeol’s hand and followed her as she led him toward the exit.

“What’s your favorite animal?” Chanyeol asked, hoping to distract the boy from his worry.

“Lions,” he said quietly. “We’re going to see them next.”

“Lions are so great!” Chanyeol enthused, squeezing the boy’s hand. “Like big kitty cats, but really tough, too. We just saw them before this. I bet they’ll be really happy for you to visit them. I think they like showing off how cool they are, don’t you?”

But before the boy could answer, and before they even made it into the sunlight, a panicked woman hurried through the entrance.

“Mommy!” the boy exclaimed, letting go of Chanyeol’s hand and rushing into his mother’s arms. 

“I thought you were holding hands with your sister!” the woman scolded, sounding much more relieved than angry. Jongin saw a girl of seven or eight standing a few feet back, looking sheepish.

“I wanted to look at the polar bear swimming,” the boy said, in relieved tears now.

“You’re okay,” his mother soothed, picking him up and rubbing his back. “Just stay by me, okay?”

The boy nodded, burying his face in his mother’s shoulder.

The woman looked over at Chanyeol and Chanyeol smiled. “We were just coming to find you.”

Jongin was worried for a second that the woman was going to accuse Chanyeol of trying to kidnap her son, but instead she smiled gratefully. “Thank you for your help.”

“No problem,” Chanyeol assured her with a grin, directing her attention to the boy when he turned his head to look at her again. “Say hi to the lions for me, okay?” The boy giggled and nodded, his mother thanking her again.

Jongin smiled to herself, wondering if maybe Chanyeol was half-serious about wanting him to greet the lions for her. Chanyeol seemed to have gotten quite attached when they’d seen them before. Though she appeared to get attached to _all_ the animals. 

“Crisis averted, eh?” Chanyeol said as they headed toward the wolf exhibit.

“You handled that really well,” Jongin marveled, walking along and squinting against the sun to look up at Chanyeol. 

“It was no big deal,” Chanyeol waved her off. “I remember how scary it was getting lost as a kid. I think I started screaming in the middle of a grocery store when I was really little and my mom went around a corner.”

Jongin’s lips quirked, imagining Chanyeol as a toddler- screaming her lungs out and startling shoppers.

“Still,” Jongin insisted, “you’re really good with kids.”

Chanyeol chuckled, still sheepish about the praise. “Kids are pretty awesome. I like hanging out with them. I used to babysit a ton in high school. Best job ever, honestly.”

“Maybe that’s because you _are_ like a kid,” Jongin teased.

“Best way to be,” Chanyeol replied with a smile. “I don’t ever want to forget about how I was when I was a kid and all the things I hoped for. I think it’s so easy to lose sight of the things you really want once people start putting limits on your dreams. So I try to make sure I am living in a way my kid-self would be proud of. While still being a functional member of society,” she added wryly. 

“That’s a really good way of looking at things,” Jongin told her, wondering what her kid-self would think of her life now. 

Chanyeol shrugged. “I didn’t mean to get too philosophical,” she laughed. “Come on. We’re almost to the wolf exhibit.”

Jongin nodded, hastening her pace to keep up with Chanyeol and her long strides. 

 

\---

 

Back at the club the next day, Jongin almost felt like the zoo outing had all been a dream. But either way, she couldn’t stop thinking about it- even as she rubbed up against the pole under the bright lights of the stage. Even as she let men fondle her tits and grab her ass. 

After they’d seen all the animals on their list and eaten lunch, Chanyeol had insisted they stop at the gift shop. Jongin didn’t mind looking around at the things that were available to buy, but she knew she couldn’t afford anything. The ticket itself was luxury enough, and Chanyeol had even had some sort of coupon that had them only paying half price to get in. But Chanyeol wanted to buy something, so Jongin had looked at the 3D animal puzzles while she waited for Chanyeol to pay.

What she hadn’t expected was for Chanyeol to pull a little plush wolf a little bigger than her hand out of the shopping bag and present it to Jongin once they’d gotten into the sun-warmed car. 

“You really didn’t have to-” Jongin had tried, feeling guilty that Chanyeol had spent money on her.

“Stuffed animals are very important,” Chanyeol had told her seriously. “I got myself a stuffed otter.”

And that was that- she’d hear nothing of Jongin paying her back.

Despite herself, Jongin had found herself cutting the tag off the wolf’s ear when she’d gotten home, and cuddling up with the stuffed animal when she curled up in bed.

Now, as Kai straddled a man’s lap and let his press his face between her breasts, Jongin felt sick.

She didn’t _deserve_ a cute, innocent wolf plush. Doing what she did for money, she didn’t know how anyone could want to buy her something sweet like that or take her somewhere that she hadn’t been since she’d actually _been_ innocent.

She didn’t deserve Chanyeol’s kindness. Sure, she’d been relieved when Chanyeol had treated her the same after she found out she was a stripper, but maybe she should have. Jongin was _damaged_. She was _corrupt_. Chanyeol treating her like she wasn’t didn’t make it any less true. 

Chanyeol should have been gracing someone else’s life with her bright smile and generous heart. Jongin deserved none of the kindness that Chanyeol had shown her. She was trash, and Chanyeol deserved so much better than that- so much better than _her_.

Most of the time, she was able to push past what she’d become because she was just doing what was necessary. But right then, she wished she’d never taken this job. She wished she’d never allowed herself to get so damaged. Maybe then-

But she _had_ and there was no going back.

 

\---

 

“Tae?” Jongin asked as they both changed into their street clothes in the dressing room after they had finished their shifts. 

“Yeah?” Tae asked, hopping to get her skinny jeans up her then legs and over her slender hips. 

“Do you ever have days where you just...can barely stand to work here?” 

“Sure,” Tae replied flippantly, shrugging. “I mean, this guy was being such a pig the other night. Wouldn’t leave me alone. Wouldn’t pay for anything, even a lap dance. I finally had to have security warn him to stop following me around the club. Days like that definitely suck. Why? Was someone bothering you tonight? Did you tell security?”

Jongin shook her head. “No one was bothering me.”

She hadn’t really been talking specifically about crappy days or obnoxious dudes. Of course those things happened and it made for a particularly tough night, but she meant…

“What about like...does it ever bother you? That you work here?”

Tae frowned like she didn’t quite understand what Jongin was talking about. 

“I guess it can be awkward when someone asks where I work and then they get all weird about it,” Tae offered. “It’d be nice to have a normal job when stuff like that happens, but, eh.” She shrugged. “Everyone has to get by somehow, and this is certainly more money than my last job at that ice cream parlor.”

Jongin nodded and went back to tying her shoes.

She’d never really thought about it before, but Tae really wasn’t bothered by working there. She was bothered in the way that anyone might be bothered by some of the less desirable aspects of their jobs. But she didn’t feel like Jongin did. 

“I’ll see you on Friday?” Tae asked, shoving her feet into her shoes. “You working the late shift?”

“Yep,” Jongin confirmed, shooting Tae a weak smile so she wouldn’t know how broken she was feeling. “I’ll see you then.”

 

\---

 

“Oh my god, has she seen that video from when we were sophomores?” Sehun asked, giggling.

“No…?” Chanyeol replied, intrigued, and Jongin hastily shook her head, embarrassment welling up at just the idea of Chanyeol witnessing how lame she’d been in high school.

Sehun was home for a long weekend, and when Jongin had mentioned the fact that her best friend was going to be around to Chanyeol earlier in the week, Chanyeol had shown interest in meeting her. So, Jongin had asked Sehun if she’d mind going out for lunch or something with Chanyeol, and she’d been enthusiastic, joking that she wanted to meet her stand-in. 

That was how Jongin had ended up sitting in a booth at the closest burger restaurant with Sehun next to her and Chanyeol across the table. 

It was a little surreal having her best friend of ten years meet her new, close friend, but it was nice. The good news was that they seemed to be getting along. The bad news was that Sehun seemed to have no qualms about telling completely embarrassing stories about high school. 

“It was before we could drive, and we were just bored at my house on a Saturday, so we made this extensive dance battle video and then added all these stupid effects on the computer,” Sehun went on, addressing Chanyeol who was listening intently with a smile on her face. “You still have that DVD somewhere, don’t you?” Sehun asked her. “It’s so ridiculous.”

“I wanna see,” Chanyeol said eagerly, looking to Jongin.

“I...don’t know exactly where it is…” Jongin hedged.

“If you can’t find it, I’ll send the file,” Sehun promised, and Chanyeol clapped gleefully. 

“You probably won’t want to see it,” Jongin tried, looking at Chanyeol. “It’s not that interesting. And you’re probably sick of hearing about us in high school-”

“No, I love it!” Chanyeol exclaimed, grinning and looking back and forth between Jongin and Sehun. “It’s fun to hear about what kind of stuff you guys did and how you were back then.”

Jongin sighed. At least she’d tried.

“Oh, I have _so_ many stories,” Sehun promised, and Jongin deflated as Chanyeol cheered.

Chanyeol was probably pretty aware that Jongin wasn’t cool, but she didn’t need her to know _just_ how not cool she really was. Especially when she was a teenager. 

“Jongin said you guys were in dance together, too?” Chanyeol asked, and Sehun nodded as she took a long sip of her strawberry milkshake. 

“Yep! From fifth grade until senior year,” Sehun confirmed, suddenly perking up. “That reminds me of a funny story!”

“Oh no,” Jongin groaned as Sehun cackled and Chanyeol tapped against her ankle with the toe of her shoe reassuringly under the table. 

“So, Jongin slept over at my house the day before a dance competition in high school,” Sehun started, and Jongin whined when she figured out what instance Sehun was talking about. “The place was far away, and my parents were gonna drive us early in the morning, so it made sense that Jongin just stayed over. But she had a lot of caffeine or something, so apparently she didn’t sleep at all.”

“I was nervous about not getting enough sleep,” Jongin jumped in to explain. “So, as soon as I started worrying that I wouldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sleep at all.”

Chanyeol nodded sympathetically. 

“So, we got to the place and Jongin was kind of groggy, but it was fine,” Sehun went on. “We went on stage and at this one part of the dance, we were all supposed to hold a pose.”

“Mine was laying on my back with my hips and legs in the air so all my weight was on my shoulders,” Jongin said.

Sehun nodded, looking gleeful to be getting to the climax of the story. 

“I was across from her at that point so I had a perfect view,” Sehun continued. “I saw her go up into the pose, but instead of freezing and holding it like she was supposed to, she just kept going and did a backward roll. She ended up on her knees, looking so confused about how she got there. It was seriously a miracle I didn’t burst out laughing on stage,” Sehun giggled.

The memory had embarrassment flooding through her, but Jongin couldn’t help but chuckle as well, especially with how entertained Chanyeol appeared- laughing and looking at Jongin with a fond smile.

“That was the biggest mistake I ever made on stage,” Jongin defended.

“Except for the time that you napped through dress rehearsal,” Sehun pointed out and Jongin whined.

Sehun, unfortunately, really did have an alarmingly large arsenal of stories about her.

 

\---

 

“She seems really nice,” Sehun observed about Chanyeol as Jongin drove her home. 

Chanyeol had insisted on meeting them there so she wouldn’t cut into their best friend bonding time.

“She is,” Jongin agreed, smiling to herself. Even though she’d had to withstand Sehun telling Chanyeol embarrassing stories about her, she was really happy to see the two of them getting along. 

“I don’t know how you’d feel about this,” Sehun started, chewing her lower lip and looking uncomfortable when Jongin looked over at her, “but I kind of got the feeling that Chanyeol might...like you. Like, romantically.”

Though she wasn’t sure that Chanyeol _still_ liked her since it had been a few weeks since she’d asked her out, the observation didn’t shock her like it appeared Sehun thought it would. 

“Yeah...she asked me out a couple of weeks ago,” Jongin told Sehun, anticipating the smack on the shoulder that followed that confession.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sehun complained. “Are we, or are we not, best friends? You are supposed to _tell_ me things like that.”

“Sorry,” Jongin replied sheepishly.

“Okay, so wait,” Sehun said. “She asked you out, but what did you say?”

“I told her I just wanted to be friends,” Jongin answered, blowing out a breath and trying to shove down all of the conflicting feelings she had regarding Chanyeol asking her on a date.

“Hmm,” Sehun hummed, seeming like she was formulating a response. “Don’t take it the wrong way that I thought maybe you’d be interested in a girl. I mean, you never really said much regarding boys or girls, so I didn’t know. So don’t, like, think I was insinuating anything by asking what you said or…”

Sexuality was the last thing on Jongin’s mind, to be honest. It was true- she’d never been the type to ogle over celebrities or strangers they passed on the street or in the school hallways. Jongin had never really been attracted to anyone without getting to know them first and developing feelings for them. And the people who’d inspired that kind of reaction in her had been few and far between. Plus, she’d been shy in high school, so dating hadn’t really been something she’d partaken in. 

It might have seemed weird to some that Jongin’s best friend didn’t know what her sexuality was, but it just hadn’t played a particularly big role in her life. Even now, whether or not she liked men or women didn’t make much of a difference in regards to her job since she wasn’t going to enjoy rubbing up against a stranger, no matter who they were. She wasn’t going to want to engage in meaningless sexual acts regardless of gender. None of that appealed to her and that was that. 

Over the course of her life, Jongin _had_ developed a few crushes. Her first had been on a boy in her pre school who had given her a valentine with his favorite athlete on it. The second had been on an older girl at her dance studio who helped out with Jongin’s classes in elementary school. The third had been a boy she’d met in ballet class in high school. None of them had ever turned into anything, and Jongin had never given much thought about the gender of the person she liked. She just...liked whom she liked.

Jongin had never seen the point in labeling something so...indiscriminate. 

“It’s not that,” Jongin interjected, seeing that Sehun was squirming with the hope that she hadn’t offended Jongin by wondering if she might have feelings for a girl. “I didn’t turn her down because she’s a girl.”

The words _turn her down_ had Jongin’s stomach lurching unpleasantly. 

“I’m not opposed to dating girls or boys,” Jongin clarified.

“So...how come you…” Sehun was frowning in confusion. “You just don’t see her that way? In a romantic way?”

It’d be easy to say yes and just let it go at that. But Jongin had been lying about so many things for so long that she was just sick of it. And if she could tell anyone the truth about anything, it would be Sehun.

“It’s...not exactly that either…” Jongin admitted, pulling up to Sehun’s house, but not making any move to get out of the car. 

“So what is it?” Sehun asked, lips turned down at the corners and brows furrowed.

“I just…” Jongin took a deep breath. “I don’t deserve her.”

Sehun’s face went from confused to judging alarmingly quickly.

“Jongin,” she said, unamused. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“But-”

“No buts!” Sehun exclaimed, unbuckling her seatbelt to turn and face Jongin as they sat in her driveway.

“But I’m a stripper, Sehun!” Jongin argued.

Sehun looked at her like she’d suddenly announced the pythagorean theorem in the middle of their discussion about Chanyeol.

“So?”

“What do you mean _so_? Chanyeol deserves to date someone who doesn’t take their clothes off for a living!”

In some ways, it was nice to voice the worry out loud after having it build up inside of her for weeks- months. But hearing it out there in the open had Jongin’s stomach turning. Because it was true. Hearing it spoken aloud in her own voice just made it real, and that made Jongin sick.

“Does she know you strip?” Sehun asked, no-nonsense face on.

“Yeah…”

“So then what’s the problem? She knows you work at a strip club and she still wants to date you. I see no issues here.”

“But…” Jongin felt like she might throw up. Chanyeol did, indeed, deserve better than someone who stripped for money. But an even bigger issue was what _else_ she did for money, and the only way Sehun would understand why she couldn’t date Chanyeol was if she knew what Jongin’s job really entailed. 

“But what?” Sehun said, annoyed at Jongin like she’d been when Jongin had lied and said that she was quitting dance because she had no future in it. When she’d found out that Jongin was quitting because her mom could barely pay the bills, she’d felt awful for giving Jongin a hard time, but before Jongin had told her the truth, she’d gotten so frustrated that Jongin was apparently selling herself short. That same look was on her face now.

“I also...do...other stuff.”

“Huh?” Sehun asked, not understanding what Jongin was getting at.

“At the club,” Jongin explained. “Aside from stripping. I also…”

As the implications of what Jongin was saying sunk in, Sehun’s confused expressed turned to one of horror, and Jongin felt like she really might throw up.

“Do you...have to have sex with the men there?” Sehun asked quietly, like her low volume might somehow make the situation less awful.

Jongin shook her head and Sehun let out a relieved sigh.

“But...I get them off with my hands. Or mouth,” she admitted, equally as quiet.

After that confession, Jongin couldn’t even look at Sehun- too afraid to see her reaction. She must have been so disgusted. 

Good thing they were already at Sehun’s house. Sehun could just get out of the car without any fanfare and save them both the discomfort of Sehun’s revulsion.

“Jongin,” Sehun whispered, and Jongin looked up, surprised to see Sehun’s eyes filled with tears.

“Why are you crying?” Jongin asked, feeling her own voice quake with oncoming tears. 

“I just...I wish there was something I could do! I wish you didn’t have to do that. You’re too good for that, Jongin,” Sehun told her, voice forceful even through her tears. 

Jongin sniffled, letting Sehun pull her into a hug- hips pressing uncomfortably against the center console and face buried in Sehun’s shirt for a long moment.

Finally pulling back from the hug, Jongin sniffled and wiped her nose on a tissue she procured from her pocket- tears still falling and eyes puffy.

“I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore,” she said meekly, wanting to give Sehun an out. “I know I’m gross.”

“You are _not_ gross!” Sehun argued. “Don’t make me hit you again!”

Jongin hiccuped out half a laugh.

“Stop trying to get rid of me,” Sehun complained, wiping at her own eyes and smudging her mascara. “It’s not gonna happen, so stop trying.”

“Okay,” Jongin agreed, feeling a bubble of warmth settle in her chest.

“Can I do anything?” Sehun asked. “I don’t want you having to do that stuff, especially if it makes you think you’re gross. I could split my paycheck from my computer lab job with you. I probably spend most of it on junk food anyway. I don’t need-”

“No,” Jongin interrupted, shaking her head. “Don’t give me your money. That’s _your_ money and I don’t want to take it. I won’t take it.”

“Seriously, I don’t need-”

“If you try to give me your money then…” Jongin was going to tell her that they couldn’t be friends, but with the fact that she’d felt so close to losing Sehun just minutes before, it didn’t feel right. “Just don’t. Really. I’m not comfortable with that. I’d rather keep doing what I’m doing than have you give me your money.”

Sehun sighed in resignation, brows knitted together in worry.

“We can figure something out,” Sehun said, and Jongin nodded even if she didn’t really believe it. “We’ll figure something out so you don’t have to do that, okay?”

“Okay,” Jongin agreed, relieved that Sehun wasn’t going to insist on giving her handouts,and even more relieved that she hadn’t lost Sehun all together. “But you see why I can’t date Chanyeol.”

Sehun frowned. “Does she know about everything?”

Jongin shook her head.

“I know I just met her today, but...I think she’d still like you even if she knew,” Sehun said. “You should talk to her. If that’s the only thing holding you back from-”

“No,” Jongin protested, surprised at how sharp her voice was. “I can’t tell her. I can’t watch her be disgusted by me. I can’t. I’m not going to. It’s fine. We can just be friends. It’s fine.”

Sehun didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t argue.

“I should probably go inside before my mom comes out to see what we’re doing just idling in the driveway,” Sehun said, appearing to hesitate to make any move to leave. “But we still better be hanging out tomorrow.”

“We are,” Jongin confirmed, rubbing against her wet cheeks with her fingers.

“Okay, good,” Sehun smiled, and Jongin smiled back.

Opening the door, Sehun turned back before she climbed out of the car.

“You don’t have to tell Chanyeol,” she said. “But don’t you dare think that you don’t deserve her. You deserve to be happy, Jongin.”

Sehun’s words echoed in the empty car long after Jongin had pulled away from her house. 

 

\---

 

Colored lights bouncing off the black lacquer floor of the stage, Kai dropped into a squat- back against the cool metal of the pole and legs spread toward the audience. With her hands on her parted knees, she swiveled her hips- head tilting back before she looked out into the audience again with hooded eyes.

The beat of the music pulsed through her and reverberated around the space, but she felt like she couldn’t even hear what song was playing. The sound of the crowding cheering and calling out was muffled like Kai was underwater, listening to what was happening above the surface.

Another girl who worked there walked into her field of vision, bringing a man his drink and laughing hollowly at something he said as he reached around and squeezed her ass. 

A man in the front row leaned forward, dollar bill folded in fourths in his outstretched hand. 

Kai slid onto her knees and then onto all fours- curving her spine down to accentuate her figure as she held still for the man to tuck the money into her g-string. 

Arching her back like a cat, Kai let her dark hair fall around her face as she stretched sinuously to the hooting from the audience.

On the floor like this, she was at the same height as the customers in their chairs- her body laid out in front of them like a feast. And on the ground, she wasn’t towering over them like a creature they could only dream of. Like this, they could reach out and touch.

The bass thumped and vibrated the floor underneath Kai’s hands like a heartbeat, like the whole building was a living, breathing being and her dancing was meant to appease it. She was a sacrifice- a young maiden slain before the eyes of the gods for the sake of man.

The pole felt warm when she grabbed it again, thighs locked around it as she brought herself up. 

An arch of her back, a toss of her hair.

The men in the audience looked up at her with eyes filled with selfish desire. 

But in that moment, high above them all, Kai was untouchable- not the sacrifice, but the goddess herself. 

 

\---

 

“It was really cool to meet Sehun,” Chanyeol said, stretched out on her stomach next to Jongin in the grass. “I had a lot of fun.”

It was one of Jongin’s rare afternoons off, so they were taking advantage of the nice weather and relaxing in a park near Chanyeol’s college campus. 

“She liked meeting you too,” Jongin told her, and Chanyeol beamed.

“Yay! Sometimes I worry that I’m too much for people when I just meet them,” Chanyeol confessed with a chuckle. 

Chanyeol worried about a first impression? She always seemed so outgoing and carefree in social situations. 

“You were fine,” Jongin assured her, puzzled by Chanyeol’s concern. “You’re not too much.”

“Come on,” Chanyeol cajoled. “I didn’t freak you out a little when you first met me? I know I can be...a lot. I just don’t know how to pull it back sometimes.”

Jongin thought back to when Chanyeol had first come into the cafe and made a big deal about her mochas.

“You were a lot, but you weren’t too much,” Jongin told her honestly, and Chanyeol grinned.

“I’m glad. I didn’t want to scare you.”

Jongin snorted. “You didn’t.”

“Hooray!” Chanyeol rolled onto her back and threw her hands over her head.

“If anyone should be scared, it should be you after hearing those stories Sehun told,” Jongin said, covering her face with her hands. 

Chanyeol laughed, shielding the sun from her eyes with one hand to look at Jongin. “Those were so funny! And not scary. They just made me like you more, to be honest.”

Jongin felt her heart skip at that, eyes widening. Maybe Chanyeol just meant it in a friendly way, but it had Jongin’s stomach flipping anyway.

And Chanyeol seemed to see how Jongin took it immediately, looking a little panicked.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- I won’t say stuff like that,” Chanyeol promised, sitting up. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know you don’t feel that way about me. It’s fine. I’m not trying to…”

“It’s not that,” Jongin said before she could stop herself, not liking how apologetic Chanyeol was for saying something nice. “It’s not that I don’t-” She cut herself off. She’d probably said too much.

“Then what is it?” Chanyeol asked, head tilted in confusion. 

Jongin sucked her lower lip into her mouth, feeling trapped. She wanted Chanyeol to know that she didn’t find her lacking in some way. But at the same time, she didn’t want to get into the reasons why she couldn’t date her. Especially not the reasons she’d told Sehun.

“You deserve better,” Jongin finally said. “You don’t want to date a stripper.”

“Sure I do,” Chanyeol argued. “I mean, that’s not a requirement. But it’s not something that’s a dealbreaker either.”

“You could do a lot better than a girl who takes her clothes off for money,” Jongin told her a with a laugh that came out more bitter than she intended.

Chanyeol frowned. “You know that doesn’t bother me, right? I don’t think any less of you. Have I made you think I do?”

Jongin shook her head, wishing she’d never brought it up.

“You should just...find someone better than me,” Jongin tried, wanting Chanyeol to drop it. It hurt even worse to have Chanyeol telling her that she was good enough when she knew the truth. 

“There is no one better,” Chanyeol insisted, looking upset. “I should be allowed to decide whom I date. I mean, if you don’t want to date me, that’s fine. But if you just don’t think you’re good enough… Jongin. This is crazy. How can you think you’re not good enough for me or that I deserve better? I can’t imagine a better person! I wish you could see how amazing you ar-”

“I don’t just strip, Chanyeol!” Jongin finally blurted out, unable to listen to Chanyeol compliment her anymore without knowing what she was really saying.

It seemed like everything stopped at her outburst- Chanyeol falling silent and her jaw going slack. 

_There, you see?_ Jongin thought to herself. _This is why I don’t deserve you._

“You mean…?” Chanyeol started, voice quiet and brows creased.

Jongin nodded. “I don’t have sex with them but...everything else...yeah.”

Chanyeol blew out a breath and Jongin had to look away- not wanting to see the disgust on her face. 

She tried to hold it together, she really did. She’d made her bed and now she had to lie in it. And Chanyeol was nice. If Jongin started crying, she might feel bad and not walk away out of pity. Jongin really didn’t want Chanyeol to feel obliged to sit there and deal with her having a breakdown like Sehun had had to.

But tears gathered in her eyes anyway, even more eager to drip down her face since her head was down. And once she started, she couldn’t stop.

Jongin tried to furtively wipe her eyes, but she knew it was no use. 

“Shhh,” Chanyeol soothed, arms wrapping around Jongin before she could even protest and tell her that she didn’t deserve it.

Chanyeol’s warmth and the comforting feel of her hands rubbing along Jongin’s back were more than Jongin could say no to. So despite her better judgment, she sobbed into Chanyeol’s t-shirt- soaking the material and letting go of all the tension that had built up in her over the last few weeks, months. 

Even with Sehun, she had managed to hold back. But now...she felt like she would never stop crying.

“Shh, Jongin, it’s okay,” Chanyeol murmured, rubbing soothing circles against Jongin’s shoulders, heaving with sobs. “Let it out. It’s okay.”

Jongin wanted to stop crying. She wanted to stop getting her tears all over Chanyeol’s shirt. But it was like confessing everything to Chanyeol had broken whatever it was inside of her that had been holding everything back, and now she couldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, unsure of whether she was apologizing for crying or for holding so much back or for telling Chanyeol the truth.

“Don’t be sorry,” Chanyeol told her gently, not even flinching when Jongin’s wet cheek pressed against Chanyeol’s neck. 

When Jongin finally managed to pull herself together enough that she at least wasn’t sobbing anymore, she pulled back, embarrassed, and dug through her bag for a tissue.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, not making eye contact as she tried to dry her face. 

“You don’t need to be sorry, Jongin,” Chanyeol said sadly. “ _I’m_ sorry.”

Jongin looked over at her in confusion- sure that her own face must have looked as awful as she felt.

“Why are _you_ sorry?” she asked, voice thick from crying.

“I knew that your money situation was tight, but I didn’t know it was so- I’m sorry that you have had to do what you’ve had to do,” Chanyeol explained, looking at her with such concern that Jongin had to look away again. “I’m sorry that you feel so bad about yourself for doing it.”

“That’s not your fault,” Jongin pointed out. “But that’s why...you deserve better.”

“None of this changes how I feel about you,” Chanyeol told her, speaking a bit more forcefully now. “I don’t think less of you. I’m still...in love with you.”

Jongin gaped, heart picking up like she’d been shot with adrenaline. 

“But I won’t say things like that if you don’t want me to,” Chanyeol hastily went on. “I really won’t bring it up again if you don’t want to date me.”

“You deserve someone better,” Jongin repeated dumbly, unable to think of anything else to say.

Chanyeol was in love with her? As much as her logical brain insisted that she wasn’t good enough, her heart felt too big for her chest all of the sudden.

“There _is_ no one better,” Chanyeol insisted, fingers lightly pressing underneath Jongin’s chin to get her to look at her. “You are it, for me.”

Jongin felt her lower lip start to tremble again with the look in Chanyeol’s eyes. She might not have believed it about herself, but she believed that Chanyeol was sincere.

“Please, don’t cry,” Chanyeol begged, reaching out to gently wipe the tears that had spilled over and were trailing down Jongin’s face.

When Chanyeol’s lips lightly brushed hers, Jongin let herself kiss back- just a chaste press of lips. 

She still wasn’t sure she deserved it, but she allowed herself to give in- to be happy.

 

\---

 

“Good mood today?” Joonmyun observed, fingers carefully resting on Jongin’s hips while she straddled his lap.

He was right. Even when she’d pulled into the parking lot at the club that evening, she hadn’t been able to muster the same amount of dread that she usually felt when arriving at work. Instead, her mind was filled with Chanyeol- the sweet kiss she’d left her with the previous day, the texts she’d been sending Jongin that were filled with emoticon hearts and smiley faces. She was fairly certain that she’d pulled off her stage performance well enough, holding back the grin that wanted to spring to her face whenever she thought about the fact that Chanyeol was meeting her for a midnight snack after work, but she knew she hadn’t been able to entirely hide it.

“I had a good day yesterday,” Jongin told him, and Joonmyun smiled fondly up at her

“What did you do?” he asked curiously, grip still light as Jongin ground down against his burgeoning erection.

Obviously, Jongin couldn’t tell him the full truth, but she was in a good enough mood that she decided to give him a little something.

“I had the afternoon off yesterday, so spent the day in the park with a friend.”

Joonmyun gritted his teeth at the pressure against his crotch before he kindly smiled at Jongin again as though they were having this conversation at a dinner party instead of while she was giving him a lapdance. 

“That’s nice,” he said pleasantly, fingertips digging into her flesh just a bit when she moved her hips just right. “I’m glad you’re in such a good mood. Sometimes you seem kind of sad.”

Jongin felt a pang of discomfort at the fact that Joonmyun had managed to pick up on that, but it was hard to remain uneasy about that when she only had an hour of work left before she’d get to go see Chanyeol.

“I hope you can have more good days like that in the future,” Joonmyun told her, smile strained when Jongin ground her hips down.

“Me too,” Jongin replied with a smile that was only half Kai.

 

\---

 

It was silly. It was beyond silly that Jongin was so nervous as she and Chanyeol were led to their table.

They had gone out to eat dinner together countless times before they’d started dating, and even a couple of times since. But this was a _date_. This was Chanyeol taking her to a nice restaurant and insisting on paying. This was Jongin in a nice cocktail dress she hadn’t worn since her cousin got married two years ago and heels that made her almost as tall as Chanyeol. 

Logically, it shouldn’t have been different, but it certainly felt like it was.

And from the looks of it, Jongin wasn’t the only one who was feeling that way. All the way to the restaurant, Chanyeol had been babbling incessantly- barely even stopping to breathe- like she did when she was nervous. 

“You look really nice,” Chanyeol told her for the third time, putting her napkin on her lap and blushing when she caught Jongin’s eye.

Jongin wanted to tease her for being so ridiculous, but she was too busy trying to fight the flush on her own cheeks. 

“Thanks,” she said, also for the third time. “You look really nice too.”

Chanyeol was in a polka dotted sundress and wedges with just a tiny heel, and her hair looked like it had been curled before she pulled it up in a high ponytail. Jongin always thought Chanyeol looked really nice- her face beautifully delicate despite the extreme expressions she managed to make. But the fact that she’d taken the time to put a coat of mascara on her long lashes and some bright lipgloss on her full lips had Jongin feeling fluttery- imagining Chanyeol carefully preparing for the date just as she had. 

“I hope you like the restaurant,” Chanyeol told her for the second time. “I usually only come here when my parents visit me at college because they want to go somewhere nicer. And they’re paying. Ha!”

“Thanks again for offering to pay,” Jongin repeated for maybe the fifth time. “I’ll treat you next time.”

“Nah, it’s no problem,” Chanyeol assured her. “I wanted to do something nice for our first date. I’m happy to treat.”

Jongin knew that Chanyeol didn’t want her to spend her own money since she knew how Jongin got it- how dire her situation was that she had to resort to doing what she did. She appreciated it, but she still felt guilty that she couldn’t afford to take Chanyeol to nice dinners like this. 

The restaurant was a french fusion place with little, round tables with white table cloths, mood lighting, and vintage style tin signs in french on the walls along with balck and white photos of Paris. It was definitely nicer than any restaurant Jongin had been to in the past couple of years, and Jongin felt herself looking around to see if anyone was staring at her like she was out of place.

“Is it okay?” Chanyeol worried, setting down her menu to look at Jongin. “We don’t have to eat here if you don’t want to.”

“No! It’s not that,” Jongin assured her, feeling like a spazz. “I just don’t know if I’m fancy enough for this place.”

“I’m certainly not,” Chanyeol said with a shrug and a laugh, and Jongin snickered in response.

This was still Chanyeol. Even if they were dressed up, in a nice restaurant, and on a date, this was still Chanyeol. 

And while that was intimidating in its own way since Jongin thought Chanyeol was really great, Chanyeol seemed to like her just fine. For whatever reason. 

“We can be not fancy together, then,” Jongin decided, picking up her menu decisively and smiling at Chanyeol over the top of it.

Chanyeol grinned back. “Exactly.”

 

\---

 

By the time Chanyeol was driving her home (at a reasonable hour since she worked the opening shift at the cafe the next day), Jongin was feeling much more relaxed. 

She still had the occasional eruption of butterflies in her stomach when she remembered that she was on a _date_ with _Chanyeol_ , but for the most part, she was able to fall into their usual dynamics which were easy and comfortable and had Jongin smiling until her cheeks hurt. 

“But don’t you think our waiter would have looked better with an eye patch?” Chanyeol said again, pulling up in front of Jongin’s house.

“There was nothing wrong with his eye, though,” Jongin argued, laughing as she looked at Chanyeol for her rebuke. 

“I know,” Chanyeol defended. “But I just feel like he would have been a good villain in a soap opera. And I picture soap opera villains having eyes patches!”

Jongin burst out laughing, unbuckling her seatbelt and doubling over. 

“I’m pretty sure there are soap opera villains without eye patches,” Jongin informed her, chuckling.

“Yeah, but that would have been a good look for him,” Chanyeol insisted, eyes sparkling even in the dark of the car with only the streets lights to keep her face from being completely in shadow. 

“Alright,” Jongin conceded, heart leaping at the way Chanyeol beamed at her. “Well, uh, thanks for dinner, and everything.”

Everything- for taking the time to get to know her, for making her feel like a real person, for seeing her value even if Jongin was still struggling to see it. 

“No problem,” Chanyeol said, smiling softly. “Anytime.”

Jongin felt it coming before it happened- felt the shift in the car as Chanyeol looked at her, their eyes catching and Jongin’s heart jumping into her throat. 

Chanyeol’s lips pressed against hers softly, her hand resting gently against the back of her neck.

Heart thundering in her chest and stomach flipping, Jongin kissed back shyly- pleasant shivers rolling over her skin.

Considering all that she’d done at the club, it was bizarre to think that she’d only been kissed a few times- most of them being during dumb kissing games in high school and a couple when she’d briefly dated a boy right after she’d graduated.

So even just the barest peck from Chanyeol, the first person she’d kissed whom she had real feelings for, had her whole body tingling.

But as much as a part of Jongin never wanted to pull back from the kiss, thoughts of what she had done with her mouth in the past had her pulling back with disgust welling up in her chest on Chanyeol’s behalf. 

Chanyeol blinked at her.

“I should go inside,” Jongin told her, panic simmering beneath her skin.

“Okay,” Chanyeol agreed, seeming somewhat surprised by Jongin’s abruptness, but understanding, as always.

That made Jongin feel even guiltier.

“Thanks for dinner,” she said for the millionth time.

“You’re welcome,” Chanyeol replied, eyes searching. “I’ll text you later?”

“Yeah,” Jongin agreed. That was good. But right then, she needed to be by herself to try to sort out her issues. “G’night!”

“Night,” Chanyeol replied, bewildered. 

Jongin wished that she could have ended the date better- so Chanyeol was smiling at her instead of looking unsure. 

Every clack of her heels against the pavement as she walked up her driveway had Jongin’s heart sinking even more. 

She didn’t want to be walking away like she couldn’t wait to get inside. But she was.

She’d warned Chanyeol that she deserved better. She really did.

 

\---

 

Jongin knew that it was illogical. It wasn’t like she had an STI or something- the clients were required to wear condoms for both handjobs and blowjobs. But just the fact that her mouth had been around some guy’s cock two nights ago was disgusting, especially when Chanyeol was kissing her like she was something special- something to be treasured.

_home now~ i hope you’re doing okay. you seemed a little upset?_

Guilt washed over Jongin that Chanyeol had probably been worried the whole drive home about if she’d done something to upset Jongin.

Initially, Jongin had planned to get herself together and forget it ever happened, but if she didn’t explain it to Chanyeol, then Chanyeol would think it was something _she_ had done.

_I’m fine. Sorry for leaving so quickly. I just felt weird about kissing because of my job. But it’s stupid, I’m sorry. I just haven’t really dated since working there and it feels...strange._

Jongin hit send, re-read the message, and decided to make a quick clarification.

_The kissing didn’t feel strange. The kissing was nice. I just felt weird in my own head. I’m really sorry._

Chanyeol’s response came almost immediately.

_don’t be sorry!! i should have asked before i kissed you. you just looked so beautiful -///- but we can go as slow as you want to! there’s no rush. i will keep my hormones under control, i promise!! lol_

Blushing, Jongin re-read the text- pressing a palm to her warm cheek and biting her lip to keep her smile from turning into a nervous, gleeful giggle. 

Why was Chanyeol so sweet to her?

And the hormones part...the implication that Chanyeol was attracted to her and would want to do more than kissing… That was definitely something that they’d have to work up to- the idea of it sparking anxiety in her if she thought too hard about it. But Chanyeol being attracted to her had her whole body flushing without her mind’s consent.

_Thank you. You’re the best ;;;;;_

Chanyeol’s reply, a string of heart emojis, had Jongin giggling helplessly into her pillow. 

 

\---

 

At the cafe the next day, Jongin was all over the place. 

During the morning rush, she felt like she was floating on air- feeling suddenly giddy when she thought about Chanyeol and their date and their text conversation the night before. She was fairly certain that she’d smiled like a loon at half the customers who were just trying to get to work on time. But it was hard to forget the sweet goodnight text that Chanyeol had sent her or the soft way Jongin had caught her looking at her across the table during dinner.

But then she’d remember the way she’d left Chanyeol hanging, and the disgust at herself that she felt when she thought of how she’d used the same mouth to suck guys off as she did to kiss Chanyeol came back full force. 

The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she’d never be able to get past her unease in regards to being physically intimate with Chanyeol while she was still getting guys off at the club. It was one thing to perform for them or give them a lap dance, but was another to let them use her mouth to get off.

It seemed like there were two options. Either she could just never move beyond chaste kisses with Chanyeol (and then eventually break up because of it), or she could make a change.

Jongin let out a breath in the middle of cleaning out the blender.

She had to do something. And it was something she’d been thinking about for a long time. 

Quitting her job at the club altogether wasn’t feasible, as much as she wished it was. But what she could do- what she’d been wanting to do- was tell her boss that she wouldn’t get guys off anymore. She’d still perform and work the floor and give lap dances, but she would no longer offer private room services. 

She could get by with just her regular salary, tips, and money from lapdances. The extra money had been going into a savings account with the idea that she’d use it to pay for college one day. But the extra money was costing her happiness.

There were a couple girls there- newer girls- who only danced. _She_ had only done that back when she’d first started working there. But she’d never seen someone go back to just working the floor. She wasn’t even sure that was _allowed_. But she had to try. 

For Chanyeol. But also for herself.

 

\---

 

“Come in!” Jongin’s boss called from behind his office door.

Jongin took a breath and stepped into the room. She had a half hour before her shift started- hopefully enough time to get things sorted out. With any luck, she would no longer be offering any extra services beyond lap dances that night. 

“Kai,” he greeted. “What can I do for you?”

“I have a question,” Jongin started, voice not sounding as strong as she wanted, so she tried again. “I have a request.”

“Yes?” her boss raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t often that Jongin said anything to him beyond a few words during their intermittent evaluations.

“I no longer want to offer any special services,” she told him, trying to stay confident.

His eyebrows jumped higher. “None?”

Jongin shook her head. “I still want to do performances and lap dances,” she explained. “But nothing else.”

Her boss made a thoughtful sound, sitting back in his chair and appraising her.

 _Please please please_ , Jongin thought to herself . 

“May I ask why?” he asked. “Did you want higher pay? Because the percentage you get here is as good as you’ll get anywhere. It’s fair.”

“No,” Jongin told him. “I’m just not comfortable doing it at this time in my life. I don’t think it’s for me.”

“Jealous boyfriend?” he guessed, and Jongin almost wanted to laugh. Because while dating Chanyeol had certainly been what finally pushed her to make the change, Chanyeol wasn’t the one insisting on it. 

“No,” Jongin said, not elaborating.

Her boss sighed. “You realize you will be making significantly less money?”

Jongin nodded.

“Alright, well as long as you can make enough for us on the floor that it’s not a burden for us to keep you on,” he told her. “This week we can see how it goes. And if you can make enough in lap dances, then you can stay on and only work the floor.”

Jongin forced herself not to sigh in relief on the spot. Instead she nodded. “Thank you.”

 

\---

 

Throughout her shift, Jongin felt free. It was so nice to know that she wasn’t going to be beckoned by her manager to go into a private room with some guy. There was a weight off her shoulders that she hadn’t realized was so heavy until it was gone. 

When Chanyeol showed up after her shift to meet her for a late night snack, Jongin was buzzing with the good news.

“Hi,” she said breathlessly when she slid into the passenger seat of Chanyeol’s car.

“Hi,” Chanyeol replied, but before she could say anything else, Jongin leaned over to press a quick kiss to her lips in her excitement.

Chanyeol blinked, looking surprised but happy by Jongin’s unexpected display.

“ _Hi_ ,” Chanyeol said again with a laugh, and Jongin giggled.

“I have good news,” Jongin told her, practically vibrating in her seat. “I’m not doing...that extra stuff anymore. Just regular performances and lap dances and stuff. No...other stuff.”

“Will you be okay, money-wise?” Chanyeol asked, looking a mix between concerned and elated.

“Should be,” Jongin confirmed. “I was putting most of the money I made from that in savings for college someday. I should be able to cover bills and food and stuff with the money I make without that. And I _do_ have some savings now in case of emergency.”

By the time she was done explaining, Chanyeol was grinning at her- face lit by the neon sign of the club.

“I’m really proud of you,” Chanyeol told her. “I never want you to feel like you have to stop that kind of thing for me, but...you seem so happy now.”

“I am,” Jongin agreed, heart clutching as she returned the smile.

 

\---

 

“This part is great,” Chanyeol said, face lit by the flickering TV. 

They were in Chanyeol’s apartment watching a movie- both of them curled up on the couch with a big plastic bowl resting by their feet with only a few unpopped popcorn kernels left in it. 

After officially getting confirmation from her boss that she could stay on as a performer without having to offer any extra services the night before, Chanyeol had decided they should have a celebration, complete with pizza, snacks, and movies. Also, cuddling. Jongin was very in favor of all of that.

With Chanyeol’s arm curved around her and Chanyeol’s shoulder the perfect height to rest her head, Jongin was unbelievably comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that she might just…

Jongin cracked her eyes open, watching the credits roll on the screen and feeling the way Chanyeol was lightly stroking against her arm.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing at her eyes. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. How much did I miss?”

“Just the last twenty minutes,” Chanyeol told her, combing her fingers gently through Jongin’s mussed hair and looking at her soppily. 

“Sorry,” Jongin chuckled again.

“It’s no problem,” Chanyeol said, concentrated as she gingerly ran her fingers along the shell of Jongin’s ear and down over her jaw. “You were tired.”

“I’m always tired,” Jongin laughed. “You heard Sehun talking about how much I fall asleep.”

Chanyeol smiled. “You looked really pretty. Well. You always look pretty. But you looked pretty when you were sleeping too. So that was a new discovery.”

Jongin giggled, charmed by Chanyeol’s sheepish smile. Before she could even think about it, Jongin leaned forward and kissed her, hand resting on Chanyeol’s cheek lightly.

They’d certainly kissed more in the past week, and Jongin was getting more comfortable, especially since she’d stopped with the sexual favors in the club. But Chanyeol was very careful not to push her. She still seemed surprised when Jongin initiated even a peck- looking at Jongin in something close to wonderment when Jongin pulled back, making her blush.

Maybe it was because her head was still fuzzy from her nap or because all of her fond feelings for Chanyeol were bound to burst out at some point, but Jongin found herself deepening the kiss- tucking her foot underneath her to get closer.

Chanyeol made a sound of surprise that had Jongin shivering and opening her mouth against Chanyeol’s, tentatively letting Chanyeol’s tongue slide against hers. 

The wave of want that crashed over her had Jongin pulling back in surprise, leaving Chanyeol staring at her with kiss swollen lips and glassy eyes.

“Sorry,” Jongin breathed, head spinning with arousal and guilt.

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol immediately told her, blinking past her own haze of arousal. “I probably got a bit too ahead of myself.”

Jongin shook her head. “No, I was the one moving it forward.”

“You okay?” Chanyeol asked, still appearing to be trying to shake the dregs of want from her mind to fully engage, and Jongin felt the same.

“Yeah, I just...it’s just still weird for me, I guess,” Jongin said. “I still just feel...gross about everything. Not about you!” Jongin quickly clarified. “Not about kissing you. Just...when I think about what I’ve done, and how I’ve used my hands and mouth. It’s disgusting. You shouldn’t have to have a girlfriend whose mouth has been…” Jongin trailed off, unable to finish that thought.

“That really doesn’t bother me,” Chanyeol assured her, gaze earnest as she held eye contact. “Jongin, I promise it doesn’t. The only thing that bothers me about it is how much it bothers _you_.”

“I’m sorry I’m acting like a thirteen year old about kissing,” Jongin apologized again. Chanyeol had to deal with her being spooked by french kissing, and also deal with the fact that she’d sucked off more guys than she could count. It was pretty much the worst of both worlds.

“It’s seriously fine,” Chanyeol reiterated. “You can take as much time as you need. I’ll be here, okay? I’m not in any rush. I’ll wait, I promise.” 

“You’re too nice to me,” Jongin said, voice wavering with tears that wanted to fall- not because she was sad, but because her heart felt far too big for her chest.

“That’s impossible,” Chanyeol told her, welcoming Jongin into her arms for a hug that would hopefully not end with Chanyeol’s shirt being soaked like that time in the park.

By the time Chanyeol drove her home, Chanyeol had Jongin laughing at her dumb jokes again- grinning wide and feeling light.

Jongin couldn’t remember a time when her heart had been so full.

 

\---

 

“We have so much to talk about!” Sehun exclaimed as soon as her face appeared on Jongin’s computer screen.

Of course Jongin had texted Sehun as soon as she and Chanyeol had gotten together, as well as after she’d talked to her boss about changing her job description, but this was the first time they were going to get to talk face to face- via webcam, anyway.

“We do,” Jongin agreed with a giggle.

“Okay! First things first! Tell me all about how you and Chanyeol got together!” Sehun requested, resting her chin in her palms and waiting.

It was pretty much the first time during their friendship that Jongin had anything to tell, romance-wise. It was always Sehun and her crushes. But now, Jongin actually had something to report. 

“You know the gist already,” Jongin hedged, self conscious.

“I know that you told her about...everything and that she was okay with it,” Sehun said. “But what did she _say_? Was it super romantic?”

“Well, I had been sobbing, so I was all sniffly and puffy and gross looking,” Jongin said with a scrunch of her nose.

“That’s even _more_ romantic,” Sehun insisted despite Jongin’s skeptical look. “So many emotions right at the surface! And she even likes you after you’ve been ugly crying!”

“You’re insane,” Jongin chuckled awkwardly, partially covering her face. “And people think you have no emotion.”

Sehun scowled. “It’s not my fault that this is how my face is.”

“I know,” Jongin laughed, feeling a bit more at ease.

“But what did she _say_?” Sehun pressed, and Jongin sighed.

“Something about how I was it for her?” Jongin started, and Sehun looked like she was about to coo. “And that…” Jongin paused, taking a breath, “she’s in love with me?”

Sehun shrieked and quickly covered her mouth. “I told you she liked you!” she exclaimed, seeming proud of herself- as though she’d informed Jongin of something she hadn’t already known at the time.

Jongin’s heart was pounding at just the recollection. Chanyeol hadn’t said the L-word since that first time, but Jongin suspected it was because she didn’t want to freak Jongin out by coming on too strong. Jongin _had_ been awfully skittish.

“So are you in love with her?” Sehun asked, leaning even closer to her webcam so her curious face filled up Jongin’s entire screen.

“I…” 

Jongin had never been in love before. Jongin had never even been in a real relationship before. But from the way she felt like she wanted to melt whenever she so much as thought about Chanyeol smiling at her and how giddy she got whenever Chanyeol sent her a sweet text… And it wasn’t only those things. Jongin had gotten fluttery around her few crushes in the past, but this...Chanyeol had her chest feeling so full- like her heart was straining to contain her feelings. 

And most of all, seeing Chanyeol happy had Jongin feeling happier than anything else could.

“I think so,” she confessed, and Sehun squealed quietly. 

“Have you told her?”

Jongin shook her head.

“Why not?” Sehun demanded. “Don’t you think she’d be overjoyed to hear that?”

“Well, yeah,” Jongin replied. “But it’s more complicated than that.”

“How come?”

Jongin wondered if she should tell Sehun everything that she was struggling with or not. 

In the past, she would have probably hidden it, but she’d experienced how helpful it was to be talk things through with someone, so she decided to just be honest.

“Well...I’ve kinda been having trouble with the, uh, physical parts of the relationship?” 

“You mean sex?” Sehun asked.

“We’re not...there yet, but yeah, I guess,” Jongin said, embarrassed.

“Are you, like, not attracted to her?” Sehun wondered. “Is it because she’s a girl and you’ve never been with a girl before?”

“No, it’s not that at all,” Jongin told her. “I just...still feel gross because of. You know. What I’ve done.”

“But she knows about all that, right?” Sehun asked, confused.

“Yeah…”

“And isn’t she okay with it?”

“Well, yeah,” Jongin confirmed. Like that, it seemed so simple. But it didn’t _feel_ that way.

“So what’s the problem?”

“It’s hard to explain,” Jongin said honestly. “I still just feel unworthy. Which I know is dumb because Chanyeol keeps telling me I’m not. It’s just hard.”

Sehun nodded sympathetically.

“And, like,” she went on, “I’m worried because I’ve never actually been in a situation with sex that I _wanted_ to be in. What if it’s not any different? What if my body and brain can’t tell the difference?”

Sehun’s frown had deepened as Jongin spoke. “It’ll be different,” she told her.

“How do you know?”

“I don’t _know_ ,” Sehun admitted. “But give yourself more credit. Just because you’ve only been with people you haven’t wanted to be with doesn’t mean you’re not going to know how to feel when you’re with someone you like. Even though your only experiences have been negative, you know that Chanyeol is going to do everything she can to make it positive for you. And you almost said it yourself: you love her. It’s gonna be different.”

“You’re right,” Jongin conceded.

“And if you do have trouble, you know Chanyeol is going to be understanding,” Sehun added. “Right? Have you talked any of this through with her?”

“Not in quite as much detail,” Jongin admitted. “But you’re right. She is understanding. She keeps telling me we can go slow and she’ll wait for me.”

“Exactly,” Sehun nodded, seeming proud that her declarations had been founded on fact. “And the more you tell her about how you feel, the more she’ll be able to help you through it and make sure it’s a good experience.”

“You’re right,” Jongin said again, and Sehun preened a little. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Sehun answered, making a heart with her hands and holding it up to her webcam. “Now tell me about your first date! Was it romantic?”

Jongin snorted. Good thing she had all evening free because Sehun didn’t seem like she was going to be satisfied until she knew every last detail.

 

\---

 

“Are you...talking to yourself?”

Jongin shook herself from her musings to find Jongdae squinting at her and looking like he wasn’t sure whether to laugh at her or be severely concerned. 

“I...no,” Jongin shook her head, flushing at being caught.

“Are you sure?” Jongdae pressed, free to bother her since there were no customers in line for coffee at the moment.

“I was just thinking,” Jongin told him.

“And mouthing your thoughts?”

Jongin sighed. She knew that Jongdae was just bored- he’d been tossing an apple in the air and catching it for five minutes before he’d started pestering her- but what she was so in her head about was _important_. 

After talking to Sehun the day before, Jongin was determined to give Chanyeol full disclosure about her worries and fears regarding physical intimacy. And since they were meeting for dinner after her shift, she needed to be ready with what she was going to say. At least vaguely. 

“I have a lot on my mind,” Jongin tried, hoping that he’d let it drop and go back to playing with fruit. 

“Is everything okay?” Jongdae asked, apparently noticing that she was actually stressed. “Are you and Chanyeol fighting?”

Jongdae had picked up on the fact that there was something going on between Jongin and Chanyeol before they’d even started dating. His raised eyebrows whenever Jongin came back from a lunch break spent with Chanyeol told Jongin that he thought they were dating even then, but since Jongin had still been unable to imagine that Chanyeol would want to date her if she knew everything about the club, Jongin had just ignored Jongdae’s pointed looks and pretended that he was way off base.

When they had _actually_ started dating, it was pure chance that Jongdae walked by the window at just the right angle at just the right time and saw Chanyeol giving Jongin a goodbye peck before she went back to work.

Naturally, he hadn’t shut up about it since- musing aloud that his declaration of Jongin’s distaste for coffee was what had set the ball rolling. And while Jongin wasn’t so sure that was true, she didn’t mind, most of the time.

“Chanyeol and I aren’t fighting,” Jongin told him, amused enough by the truly horrified look on his face at the prospect of discord that she let out a small laugh despite her nerves.

“That’s good,” Jongdae replied, relieved. “But are you okay? Would you like to talk out loud to someone instead of muttering to yourself?”

Jongin snorted. “I’m good. But thanks...I think.”

“No problem,” Jongdae said, drawing out the words before flashing a grin. “I’ll be over here if you need me. _Not juggling fruit_!” he added when Minseok walked by and shot him an unimpressed look.

Jongin glanced at the clock. She had an hour and a half left to figure out the gist of what she was going to say and gather her thoughts.

With any luck, she’d be able to do it without mouthing the words and causing anyone else to think she’d lost her mind. 

 

\---

 

“I don’t know why she thinks I don’t know that they’re dating,” Chanyeol said with a laugh as they climbed into Jongin’s car after a casual dinner, talking about her roommate and one of their mutual friends. “He’s in our room all the time now, and I wasn’t the one who invited him. I don’t mind, but it’d be a lot easier if I didn’t have to pretend I didn’t know. I mean, half the time when I come home from class, she’s all in disarray and they’ll be a foot away from each other on the couch without the TV on. I’m not _that_ dumb.”

“Maybe she thinks you’ll be weirded out?” Jongin tried, starting the car and backing out of their parking spot. 

“Honestly, I think she’s embarrassed,” Chanyeol told her, sitting back in the passenger seat like she was settling in for the night. “She used to hate him when I first started hanging out with him, so I feel like she doesn’t want to admit that she changed her mind.”

“Well, obviously she did if she’s hanging out with him when you aren’t even there,” Jongin pointed out, belatedly flicking on her headlights before pulling out of the parking lot. 

“Right?” Chanyeol chuckled. “Ah well. She’ll come around one of these days. I’m not too worried.”

They were both quiet for a moment, and Jongin felt her anxiety amp up. She’d managed to get through dinner without totally psyching herself out about talking to Chanyeol, but now was the ideal time. She knew that she’d feel better once she got everything out in the open, but it was still scary to completely lay all of her worries out for Chanyeol to see. 

“Mind if we drive around for a bit?” Jongin asked, glancing over at Chanyeol in the dark interior of the car. 

“Sure, that’s fine,” Chanyeol agreed, and Jongin could feel Chanyeol’s eyes on her as she looked back to the road. 

“I just…” Jongin took a deep breath. “I want to give you full disclosure on why I’m so jumpy about physical...stuff.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Chanyeol as quick to assure her. “You don’t owe me any explanations or anything.”

“I know, but I think I’ll feel better if I do,” Jongin said. “And it _does_ affect you, so it’s good if you know.”

“Whatever makes _you_ feel the most comfortable,” Chanyeol told her encouragingly, reaching over and affectionately patting her thigh.

Jongin shot her a smile before looking back at the road.

“Alright, so you know all that I’ve done at the club,” she started. “And you know that it’s a constant struggle to not feel disgusted at myself for it, and like you deserve better.”

“Jongin-”

“I know you say that’s not true, and I promise I’m not fishing for reassurance,” Jongin cut her off. “It’s something that I need to work on.” 

“Okay,” Chanyeol agreed, brows pinched with concern. 

“You know the sexual experience I’ve had in regards to that. But...that’s actually...all of the experience I have,” Jongin confessed, seeing Chanyeol’s mouth fall open a little in her periphery. “I didn’t date in high school, and I’ve only gone on a few dates since. I’ve only kissed a little. That’s it. So, I guess I have the normal worries about not knowing what I’m doing and stuff. But I’m also afraid of being vulnerable in a sexual situation, because every sexual situation I’ve been in has been...one-sided. I’ve intentionally _not_ been vulnerable or even mentally there for any of it, so I’m scared I won’t know how to do it any other way. Like, I’m afraid I’ll accidentally, like, leave my body for it just because I haven’t ever tried not to. If that makes any sense at all…”

At a stoplight, Jongin glanced over to see Chanyeol looking at her sadly- big eyes so full of sorrow that Jongin’s heart clenched and she wanted to reach over to give her a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol said. “It’s so unfair that you’ve only ever had negative experiences like that. I wish-” she stopped to shake her head. “You keep talking about me deserving better, but it’s _you_ who deserves better. You deserve so much better than what you’ve been through.”

Jongin hadn’t ever thought of it like that. And though she still felt that her actions had sullied her, she couldn’t deny that there was nothing inherently bad about her that dictated that she hadn’t deserved a better path. 

“I’m really glad that you told me,” Chanyeol went on. “I probably wasn’t sensitive enough to everything you’re struggling with, but I will do my best to help you through this however I can. And if that means stepping back and taking things even slower, that’s completely fine. There is really no rush, I promise.”

“You have been _so_ sensitive!” Jongin argued. “What are you talking about? Chanyeol. You have been more patient and understanding than I ever could have even hoped. And I- I don’t _want_ to take things slower than now. I mean, I don’t know how I’m going to be with moving forward, but I want to keep moving forward. I want to _try_. Because I _do_ want to be with you. In all ways.” Jongin flushed at saying that out loud, but hoped the dark hid her shyness. “I...think that I’m in love. With you.”

Jongin felt adrenaline shoot to her toes at the admission. She hadn’t been planning to tell Chanyeol that tonight, but it had slipped out. And it felt nice to say, especially because that meant that absolutely everything was on the table. No more secrets. 

It was a relief to have nothing to hide or hold back for the first time in a long, long time.

“Wow,” Chanyeol breathed, and Jongin chanced a quick glance in Chanyeol’s direction, seeing Chanyeol staring at her in awe. “You know I love you, right? I told you before. It hasn’t changed. I just didn’t want to keep saying it and have you feel like you had to say it back. But I really, really do.”

Jongin took a trembling breath. “Don’t make me cry when I’m driving,” she joked, lump in her throat and her eyes stinging.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol chuckled, reaching over and squeezing her knee- the best she could do without compromising Jongin’s driving. 

“Phew,” Jongin said, laughing a bit at the rush of emotions she felt at getting everything off her chest. “I’m glad I got to tell you all that. I mean, I know there’s no simple solution to everything, but I’m glad I got to let it out. And thank you for being so...just, thank you.”

“No,” Chanyeol shook her head, voice full of warmth. “Thank _you_.”

 

\---

 

“You seem different today,” Joonmyun observed, hands on Jongin’s hips as she sat on his lap with her back against his chest and her butt on his growing erection.

“Oh?” Jongin said, hair tossed over one shoulder and neck bared.

“It’s not bad different,” he clarified, pulling her back against him gently so she shifted in his lap and made him hiss. “Just different.”

Truthfully, Jongin _felt_ different. From the moment she’d stepped into the club, she could feel it.

Instead of feeling herself recede to hide away in a little locked box inside herself, making way for Kai to take over, she just...felt like Jongin.

Sure, Kai still made an appearance- knowing just how to swivel her hips and when to toss a sexy smirk over her shoulder. But Jongin didn’t _leave_.

Previously, the idea of bringing herself into work terrified her. Jongin wasn’t strong enough for a place like this with leering men and wandering hands and the expectation that she was just a plaything. Kai could handle it where Jongin couldn’t.

But tonight...Jongin was there- she was present- and she could take it. It wasn’t pleasant, but she could hold her own. She wouldn’t lose herself in the catcalls and overly eager touches. 

It was like Jongin was too full of life to conceal her full self anymore. The person that she’d been when she’d started working there was a scared husk- ashamed and disgusted with not the customers who grabbed for her without a second thought, but _herself_. But now, with no more secrets and lies, Jongin was rebuilding herself. 

It would take time, but she was starting to realize that she wasn’t weak and worthless like she once thought.

“I don’t know what it is,” Joonmyun said, inhaling sharply through his nose as Jongin shifted. 

“Hm,” Jongin hummed, covertly glancing at the clock on the wall. “I don’t know.”

Another two hours and she would be out of here- completely free to let her true self burst out from behind the flimsy and unstable Kai mask that hardly even covered her anymore.

Amazingly, she felt just as strong now without the mask.

 

\---

 

Sehun was right. Being physically intimate with Chanyeol was so much less intimidating after she’d voiced all of her fears. She no longer had to feel like she was shouldering the burden of her worries alone- Chanyeol was right there, ready to do anything she could to help Jongin feel more comfortable. 

Just talking about it made Jongin comfortable enough to give Chanyeol a real kiss goodbye that night. And the next time they’d hung out, Jongin had spent five minutes leaning over the center console of Chanyeol’s car to keep their mouths sealed before she finally pulled away to go inside.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Chanyeol had pulled away to ask when Jongin had been at her apartment to watch a movie and they’d ended up horizontal on the couch with Jongin sucking enthusiastically at Chanyeol’s lips. 

“I won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with,” Jongin had assured her, breathless and lightheaded from the kisses, which had seemed to satisfy Chanyeol since they’d spent another twenty minutes making out before they finally got to watching the movie.

Now that many of Jongin’s walls had been dropped, she found herself wanting Chanyeol in a way she hadn’t let herself before. She was still hit with insecurities and worries sometimes when she thought about being with Chanyeol, but she also couldn’t stop thinking and wanting- drawn both by the physical desire but also by the idea of the emotional intimacy. 

Jongin knew that Chanyeol didn’t expect anything from her, but Jongin still wanted to show Chanyeol how much she trusted her. And she wanted to show them both that she trusted herself, as well.

It was scary, but after going over it in her head constantly for four weeks after their talk in the car (resulting in a shattered mug when she’d been distracted by the thought while doing dishes at the cafe), Jongin had decided.

And just giving herself that permission- to want, to be vulnerable with someone- felt like freedom.

 

\---

 

She and Chanyeol spent a lot of time at Chanyeol’s apartment since Jongin lived with her mom, and Chanyeol’s roommate was often off the with guy she was not-so-secretly dating. 

Sometimes, they watched a movie and got take out. Other times, Jongin did her best to help Chanyeol make dinner for the two of them. Recently, there had been a lot of making out on the couch, though it never went any further than some slight over the clothes groping that never neared third base.

Chanyeol let Jongin take the lead- not wanting to pressure Jongin or make her feel uncomfortable. And, thus far, Jongin had been too nervous to push it any farther. 

But that night, she was determined, just like when she had been about to perform at her first dance recital. She was afraid, but she knew it was something she wanted. _Unlike_ performing for the first time, she didn’t have Kai to hide behind, but she didn’t need her for this.

“Do you want to watch something on TV?” Chanyeol asked, letting them into her apartment after picking Jongin up after her shift at the cafe. “Or do you want something to eat?”

“No, I’m not hungry,” Jongin told her, feeling her stomach twist with nerves at what she had in mind. “Do you want to eat?”

“Nah,” Chanyeol waved her off, plopping down on the couch and making herself comfortable. “I had a snack pretty recently. TV? Movie? Nap?”

Jongin had to chuckle at the suggestion of a nap. There had been quite a few times when Jongin had accidentally fallen asleep in Chanyeol’s apartment, and once when she’d actually declared that she was going to take a quick nap...that ended up being three hours. 

“I don’t need a nap today,” Jongin told her with a chuckle, perching next to her on the worn couch.

“You sure?” Chanyeol teased, and Jongin hit her playfully on the arm.

“I’m sure,” Jongin assured her, feeling a surge of nervousness flare up. “I actually wanted to…”

She trailed off, leaning forward and pressing her lips to Chanyeol’s- smiling slightly at the surprised sound that Chanyeol made at the contact before she was kissing back, lightly cradling the back of Jongin’s head. 

“That all you had in mind for this evening?” Chanyeol asked when they parted- joking but voice belying how much the simple kiss affected her. Jongin was glad she wasn’t the only one.

“Actually...I kind of wanted to try more,” she said, taking a deep breath afterwards. It was out there now. She’d said it.

Chanyeol’s eyebrows shot up, and she looked more alert than she had a moment prior. 

“What...is your definition of more?” Chanyeol asked, wary.

Jongin shrugged, feeling embarrassed, but understanding why Chanyeol wanted her to specify. Chanyeol had been so careful not to move too fast, and Jongin knew that she wouldn’t move forward without Jongin explicitly stating what she was okay with. 

“Sex?” Jongin said, cheeks flaming as Chanyeol gaped at her like a giant, attractive goldfish.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific,” Chanyeol told her with a smile when she’d gathered herself. “There are lots of definitions of sex when it comes to two girls.”

“But I’ve never been with a girl,” Jongin whined. “How should I know?”

Chanyeol chuckled at Jongin’s pout, leaning over to kiss her to soothe Jongin’s mortification.

“Well, you’ve thought this all through, right?” Chanyeol asked.

Jongin nodded.

“So, what did you picture when you decided you wanted to try something more today?”

It was a reasonable question, but Jongin still felt a bit embarrassed to answer. _It’s just Chanyeol_ , she reminded herself, looking into Chanyeol’s kind and patient brown eyes. 

“I thought about...touching you,” she told her, able to see the way Chanyeol swallowed at that- eyes getting a little glassy.

“Touching me how?” she pressed, and Jongin knew that she wasn’t trying to be a jerk, but it was still frustrating.

“ _Chanyeol_ ,” she whined, forehead thunking onto Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“ _Jongin_ ,” Chanyeol countered with a laugh before she got more serious. “You know that I have to know what you’re comfortable with.”

Jongin hummed in acknowledgment.

“I want to...make you come,” Jongin said quietly, able to feel the way Chanyeol tensed against her- inhaling unevenly. “And...I want you to do the same for me.”

Chanyeol let out a breath that trembled around the edges. 

Jongin knew well enough to know that Chanyeol liked the sound of that- could feel the want in the way Chanyeol was sitting stock still- and it had her own desire rising, swirling in her stomach.

“Were you thinking with hands or mouths or-?”

“Hands,” Jongin told her. “For now, hands. For the first time.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol breathed, sliding a hand down Jongin’s back.

Jongin knew that it was meant to be reassuring, but with her body feeling like a live wire, Jongin couldn’t help the way she shivered. 

“Are you sure?” Chanyeol asked, always careful.

“I’m sure,” Jongin told her steadily, lifting her head to look at Chanyeol.

“If anything is too much or you’re not enjoying it or if you’re uncomfortable, let me know okay?” Chanyeol said, holding eye contact.

“I promise,” Jongin replied, feeling the pull of Chanyeol’s lips before their mouths reconnected like magnets.

They kissed in a way that they’d become quite practiced at in the last few weeks- tongues sliding together familiarly and lips pressing until they felt puffy and tender.

Chanyeol pulled away with a wet smack to drag her lips up Jongin’s throat, making Jongin gasp as she gripped Chanyeol’s shoulders. She could feel the way she was pulsing- aching for Chanyeol to touch her. But before she could ask, Chanyeol pulled away completely.

“Maybe we should go to my room?” Chanyeol suggested, lips red and slick, and eyes dark and intent on hers. “It’ll be more comfortable on a bed…”

Jongin nodded, allowing Chanyeol to take her hand and lead her to her a bedroom- door closing behind them and making Jongin’s heart thump even harder.

Jongin could see the _are you sure_ on Chanyeol’s lips, so she stepped forward and kissed her before she could ask.

It didn’t take much time before they were laying on Chanyeol’s bed with Chanyeol’s hand against the skin of her waist under her shirt as Jongin wove their legs together, trying to get closer still even as they kissed.

“Please, Chanyeol,” Jongin begged, worries muffled by the rushing of blood in her ears. She was nervous, but her want far outweighed her fears. 

“Okay,” Chanyeol said, pressing a kiss to her lips and sliding one hand further up her shirt to cup one of her breasts through her bra while the other popped the button on her jeans.

Jongin shivered at the warmth of Chanyeol’s palm permeating her bra before Chanyeol pulled the cup down and slid a thumb over her nipple.

Gasping, Jongin arched into Chanyeol’s hand while she reached over to unfasten Chanyeol’s jeans as well.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jongin hastily confessed, even though she knew that Chanyeol knew that already.

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol assured her, stroking along her hip gently.

“I feel like a fumbling virgin,” Jongin said with a self-deprecating laugh. It was such a strange dichotomy to have so much sexual experience in one regard, but to be essentially a virgin. 

“Don’t worry,” Chanyeol told her, pressing a kiss to the corner of her lips and then leaving a series of sweet pecks along her jaw.

“But what if I can’t make you come?” Jongin asked, voice quiet with embarrassment.

Chanyeol snorted. “Jongin, I hope this doesn’t freak you out, but I have wanted you for so long and I have fantasized about this so many times that you could do practically nothing, and I’d probably still come.”

Jongin giggled, relieved but also...amazed that Chanyeol could want her that much. It had the heat that was already simmering in her belly flaring up and demanding attention.

“Okay,” Jongin murmured, capturing Chanyeol’s lips in a kiss that made Chanyeol moan against her mouth.

Jongin placed a palm on Chanyeol’s stomach, muscles jumping under her touch, and slid her hand down to the waistband of her underwear. She could feel the way Chanyeol was moving toward her hand, trying to twist her body to get Jongin’s touch closer to where she wanted it. 

“We should probably,” Chanyeol breathed, “pause a second to get our jeans off.”

Jongin squirmed out of her pants as Chanyeol thrashed and flailed next to her, finally succeeding in getting them off. 

With the cool air of the room against her bare legs, Jongin felt exposed even though she was still in her underwear, t-shirt, and bra. But Chanyeol crowding up against her again and suffusing her with her warmth felt better, their legs sliding together and making Jongin shiver.

Chanyeol’s fingers trailed over the front of her panties and Jongin jerked, hips pressing forward on their own accord. But then Chanyeol was cupping her through the fabric and Jongin couldn’t stop the gasp from leaving her lips.

“Okay?” Chanyeol asked, fingers tracing over her through the cloth and making Jongin’s head spin.

“Yeah,” Jongin breathed, reaching out to mirror Chanyeol’s actions and feeling quite pleased with the way Chanyeol’s thighs opened wider for her hand- underwear damp against Jongin’s palm.

Belatedly, Jongin realized that Chanyeol must have been able to feel how wet she was as well, but it was hard to be embarrassed when Chanyeol’s touches already felt so, so good.

“Ready?” Chanyeol asked between heated kisses, playing with the elastic waistband of Jongin’s panties. 

Jongin nodded, thighs widening and breath getting caught in her lungs when Chanyeol finally touched her. 

She could feel how wet she was from the easy glide of Chanyeol’s fingers, and she wasn’t sure how it was possible, but it felt even better than she thought it could. Every pass of Chanyeol’s fingertips against her had pleasure sparking through her, pulling whimpers from her throat that she’d find embarrassing if she wasn’t so swept away from Chanyeol’s touch.

With how good Jongin was feeling, she’d momentarily forgotten to keep up her own ministrations. Wanting to keep up, she hastily wriggled her fingers under the waistband of Chanyeol’s underwear, skating over trim hair before pressing against warm, slick skin. 

Jongin didn’t masturbate too often, but she knew how women’s bodies worked- she knew how to get herself off, at least. So, she tried to do what she knew she liked, but it was so hard when she had Chanyeol’s hand moving between her own legs and distracting her from everything other than the pleasure she felt. 

Then, when Chanyeol rubbed her clit a certain way, Jongin’s hand in Chanyeol’s panties spasmed and froze up- her entire body feeling like it had been electrocuted.

“You don’t have to do me now,” Chanyeol told her, helping Jongin extract her hand from her underwear. “I just want to make you feel good first, okay? Just focus on you.”

Jongin wanted to protest- wanted to tell Chanyeol that she wanted to make her feel good too. But Chanyeol seemed to have her body all figured out because she was touching her _just right_ and Jongin could do nothing but moan.

Rolling her onto her back, Chanyeol hovered over her, leaning down for a messy kiss.

“Can I-?” she asked, tugging lightly at Jongin’s underwear.

Jongin bit her lip, mind hazy from pleasure. 

She’d never been fully naked at the club- a fact that she clung to when she was feeling like trash. No one had ever seen her naked from the waist down, aside from doctors and her parents when Jongin was still a baby. 

Being naked for Chanyeol was a big deal to her. But at the same time, it was Chanyeol, whom she trusted and _loved_. She knew it was entirely different than if she’d let some stranger see her.

“Yeah,” she breathed, looking up to meet Chanyeol’s gaze.

“You sure?” Chanyeol asked, apparently having noticed her trepidation. “You don’t have to.”

“I’m sure,” Jongin told her, reaching down and pushing her own panties off.

Chanyeol kissed her again, fingers against her folds feeling even better now that her movement wasn’t restricted.

Jongin felt her legs easily spread as Chanyeol stroked her, sliding a finger gently inside of her.

Gasping, Jongin forced herself to relax, clutching onto Chanyeol’s shoulders.

“You’re so beautiful, Jongin,” Chanyeol murmured, going back to teasing her clit with two fingers this time.

Jongin cried out, head tipping back and hips canting up.

“You’re so wonderful,” Chanyeol went on, fingers tapping out a rhythm against her throbbing clit, and Jongin wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold off.

That would be the ultimate vulnerability- climaxing for another person. It was scary if she thought about it that way. But this was Chanyeol. It didn’t feel wrong to be like this with her.

Reaching out blindly, Jongin grabbed for Chanyeol’s neck- pulling her down for a kiss that was just a meeting of lips since Jongin was panting as she held Chanyeol there.

“ _Gorgeous_ ,” Chanyeol breathed, rubbing against her just right and urging her pleasure up, up, up until it consumed her completely.

Arms around Chanyeol’s shoulders, Jongin pulled her down to bury her face against her neck as she came- body spasming against Chanyeol’s fingers and little cries leaving her throat while the pleasure seemed to pulse around her and through her until she was wrung out completely. 

“ _Mmm_ ,” Jongin whined against Chanyeol’s throat, feeling satisfied and content.

“Good?” Chanyeol asked, though she had to have known that it was. 

“Wow,” Jongin breathed, giggling and curling against Chanyeol as she settled at her side.

“I’m glad,” Chanyeol said with a laugh, wiping her fingers against the sheets and wrapping an arm around Jongin.

Jongin hummed and let herself bask in the warmth of Chanyeol’s body as she came down from her orgasm.

But she was very aware that she hadn’t gotten Chanyeol off yet, and she really wanted to- wanted to make Chanyeol feel as good as she did.

“Can I?” Jongin asked, sliding her hand against Chanyeol’s hip and hesitantly inching it over the front of her panties.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol replied, and Jongin had to chuckle at the way she said it- so very, very enthusiastic and eager.

Repositioning herself, Jongin watched as Chanyeol stretched her long legs out- fingers on the waistband of her underwear.

“Can I take these off?” Chanyeol asked, snapping the elastic against her own hipbones.

“They’re your underwear,” Jongin laughed. “You can do whatever you want with them.”

Chanyeol grinned, shimmying out of the material and kicking the orange cloth off the bed. With her panties off and her slender thighs parted, Jongin could see just how much Chanyeol wanted her, and it had her cheeks getting hot as her own arousal gave an interested twinge.

Getting comfortable at Chanyeol’s side, Jongin slid her hand back between Chanyeol’s legs- feeling the slick against her fingers a she rubbed slowly and tried to gauge what felt best.

Chanyeol kept pressing sloppy, desperate kisses to Jongin’s lips- whining against her mouth and breath stuttering.

It wasn’t long after Jongin began circling Chanyeol’s clit with her middle finger with just the right amount of pressure, it seemed, that Chanyeol’s hips started pumping and breath caught in her throat.

“ _Oh god_ ,” she groaned, fingers of one hand buried in her own hair while the others grasped at Jongin’s shoulder. “I wasn’t kidding before. I’m gonna come. Fuck, _Jongin_.”

Jongin trembled at the way Chanyeol moaned her name- head light as she watched Chanyeol’s face crumple and her body convulse as she came from Jongin’s touch.

“ _Oooh_ ,” she whined as Jongin brought her down slowly. “Oh my god.” 

Jongin flopped down next to Chanyeol with a smile, nuzzling into her neck as Chanyeol panted.

"Wow," Chanyeol said, laughing a little as she threw a long arm across Jongin’s shoulders. 

Grinning, Jongin tightened her hold around Chanyeol’s waist as she tried to pluck at the blanket with her toes to pull it over them. 

“So, was all of that...okay?” Chanyeol asked, sounding like she’d gotten her wits back enough to worry.

“More than okay,” Jongin said with a chuckle, looking up at Chanyeol and accepting the kiss to her lips. “I think we can try more stuff in the future. And _definitely_ do that again.”

“Yeah?” Chanyeol answered, perking up. “Because I want to eat you out so badly.”

She said it like she was talking about trying a new restaurant, but it still had a jolt of lust shooting through Jongin’s limbs.

“Sorry, was that too soon?” Chanyeol asked, looking a little sheepish. “There’s still no pressure.”

“Not too soon,” Jongin assured her, kissing her again before tucking her head under Chanyeol’s chin. Maybe she would nap after all.

Jongin felt so light, finding that her fears had mostly been unfounded. There was no way she was going to default into Kai mode with Chanyeol because nothing about that had been anything like being with the guys at the club. The situations were both sex related, but Jongin couldn’t even really think of her interactions with the men as sexual because they hadn’t been at all to her. With Chanyeol, it was definitely sexual, but it was so much more than that. 

“I love you,” Jongin breathed against Chanyeol’s collarbone through her t-shirt, feeling Chanyeol’s arm around her tighten in response.

“Gonna nap?” Chanyeol asked with a laugh.

“Mmm maybe,” Jongin said even as she started to doze.

“I love you, too,” Chanyeol told her, cheek against the top of Jongin’s head. “I love you so much, Jongin.”

Had she been more awake, she might have gotten emotional over what they’d shared and how safe she felt, tucked into Chanyeol’s side. But as it was, she just drifted off feeling warm inside and out.

 

\---

 

“So, since he’s leaving soon, Minseok said he was going to recommend _me_ as the new shift manager!” Jongin exclaimed, dancing a little ahead of Chanyeol in excitement as they made for the shade of a tree in their favorite park. “I guess I _am_ the person who’s worked there full-time the longest, but it’s still crazy!”

“That’s really great,” Chanyeol told her, grinning as she watched Jongin prance over to their spot and flop down happily on the grass.

“Aren’t I...too young or something?” Jongin asked with a laugh, settling with her legs stretched out in front of her as Chanyeol sat down next to her.

“No?” Chanyeol laughed, taking a bite of her ice cream.

“I just feel like...I’m half asleep during the morning rush, and I _don’t even like coffee_ ,” Jongin reminded her, bumping her shoulder against Chanyeol’s playfully.

Chanyeol laughed, beaming, and Jongin could bet that she was thinking back to when they’d first met and Chanyeol made a big fuss over her making coffee. It felt like forever ago now, even though it had only been a few months since Chanyeol was just that kind of crazy customer and Jongin had been the barista who didn’t like coffee. 

“But you also almost _never_ miss work,” Chanyeol pointed out. “And you work hard and take your job seriously.”

“Sheesh, you’re still praising me for my barista skills?” Jongin teased, shoving at Chanyeol’s shoulder. 

“It’s true, though,” Chanyeol insisted even as Jongin huffed disbelievingly. 

“Well, unnecessary compliments aside,” Jongin said, shooting a teasing look at Chanyeol and making Chanyeol hold her hands up in innocence, “it would be really great if I could get the promotion. The pay bump would be super helpful. I could start saving again.”

“Speaking of that!” Chanyeol said around a mouthful of ice cream, like she couldn’t let the segue slip past her. 

Instead of saying anything else, Chanyeol turned to rummage through her bag- plastic spoon stuck in her mouth- and pulled out a stack of paper. 

Jongin watched her curiously as Chanyeol removed the spoon from her mouth to explain.

“I was talking to my friend who works in the financial aid office on campus, and I asked about scholarships and stuff,” she said, taking the paper clip off the stack. “So, he told me about some of the better ones and I looked them up online and printed out some info on the ones I think you would qualify for.”

Jongin stared at her, speechless- her own cup of ice cream melting as she gaped.

“Why-?” was all she could get out.

“Well, I know you’re saving up to take some community college classes, so I figured I might as well ask my friend who knows about that stuff in case he had any useful info,” Chanyeol said sheepishly, holding out the papers to Jongin.

Jongin took the stack, flipping through to see comprehensive information about at least ten scholarships- most of which she’d never even heard of.

“What did I do to deserve you?” she wondered out loud, heart clutching and chest feeling so, so warm that she was afraid she might tear up.

Chanyeol shook her head, dismissing the idea that she was something great that Jongin might not deserve.

“You deserve all of the good things,” Chanyeol said, smiling extra wide to try to make what was obviously an earnest observation seem less mushy. 

Jongin laughed, leaning over to peck Chanyeol on the lips.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely, catching Chanyeol’s lips in a second kiss that dragged on a bit longer and had Jongin’s stomach twisting pleasantly.

“You don’t need to thank me like I found the cure for a disease or something,” Chanyeol assured her with a chuckle. “Though if you’re going to thank me like _that_ …”

Jongin scoffed, laughing and allowing Chanyeol to pull her into another kiss- gently tucking Jongin’s hair behind her ear.

When they finally got back to their ice cream as they went through the scholarships together, it was pretty much melted. But Jongin didn’t really mind. 

 

\---

 

When Jongin’s mom came home, Jongin was at the kitchen table, reading through the scholarship papers again and making notes about the ones she thought had the most potential. She was about to tell her mom about how she was considering taking a class in the fall if she could get financial aid when she noticed what time it was. Two hours before her mom was due home from work.

Jongin felt her heart sink.

The expression on her mother’s face told Jongin all she needed to know.

Setting her pen down, Jongin wanted to berate herself for getting so hopeful. She knew better than to get ahead of herself. Something always happened. Always.

“They let me go,” her mom said, as though Jongin hadn’t figured it out as soon as she’d walked through the door. 

She could tell that her mom was trying to put on a brave face for her, but she could see the hopelessness in her eyes. Jongin knew that her mom would act like things were okay for a little while. She’d bustle around and do a bit of cleaning before she’d end up on the couch, stationary in front of the TV. By tomorrow, she’d be confined to her room for a few days at least- only coming out to go to the bathroom or to grab something to eat that she’d take back with her.

The cycle was starting all over again.

Jongin nodded, feeling the disappointment settle in the pit of her stomach. This was what she got for hoping.

“I’m sorry, honey,” her mom said, and Jongin hated to see her mom feeling guilty when she knew she tried. She really did.

“It’s okay,” Jongin told her,standing up to give her a hug. “There are other jobs.”

“You’re right,” her mom replied with a forced smile. 

“I think I might nap before my shift tonight,” Jongin said, not wanting to have to watch her mom’s inevitable spiral into depression. She’d tried to intervene and stop it in the past, but after failing time and time again, she’d given up- feeling even worse for not even trying but she didn’t have the strength to do so.

“Okay,” her mom nodded, mouth still curved but eyes sad.

Jongin retreated to her room, feeling guilt and hopelessness swirling in her gut. She kind of wanted to text Chanyeol, but at the same time, she didn’t want to dump all of her problems on her. Chanyeol had already had to shoulder so many of Jongin’s issues. Plus, Chanyeol had seemed so excited about the prospect of Jongin taking classes. She didn’t want to give her the bad news right then.

Maybe things would look better after a nap.

And even if they didn’t, she could still use the rest. She was working the late, late shift at the club, so she wouldn’t get off until after two in the morning. 

Collapsing in bed, Jongin closed her eyes and tried to ignore the disappointment weighing heavy in her chest.

 

\---

 

“Knock knock,” Jongin’s mom said, rapping on the door to Jongin’s bedroom.

Jongin was getting ready for work, albeit slowly since she had forty minutes before she had to leave for work. 

“Yeah?” she called out, surprised that her mom wasn’t staring mindlessly at the TV by then. 

As her mom stepped into her room, Jongin saw the papers in her hands and recognized them as the scholarship papers she’d accidentally left on the kitchen table.

“Don’t worry about those,” Jongin hastily said. “I was just looking for way in the future.”

But her mom was already shaking her head, walking over to Jongin’s bed and sitting down- gesturing for Jongin to join her.

“Really, I was just looking for fun,” Jongin insisted as she sat down, not wanting her mother to feel worse about losing her job than she already did.

“I want you to do what you want,” her mom told her. “If that’s applying for these scholarships so you can go to college, then I want you to do that. If it’s something else, then that’s fine too. You need to do what’s best for you.”

“We can’t afford for me to take classes right now,” Jongin pointed out. “And that’s okay. Like I said, those are for the future.”

“Jongin,” her mother said, stern like when she wanted Jongin to sit up and pay attention when she was a kid. “You have done so much for me in the past four years. And even before that. I don’t want to be what’s holding you back. Seeing these papers on the table was such a wake up call. It’s not that I didn’t realize that you were putting your life on hold to help me, but it wasn’t something I could bear to acknowledge until recently. And these papers just made everything hit home.”

“You’re not holding me back,” Jongin assured her, unsure of whether or not she was telling the truth.

“So, you’re working all the time because you want to?” her mom asked with a quirk of her brow that told Jongin that she was being rhetorical. But she answered anyway.

“Because we have to pay the bills,” she said simply. “It’s not _you_.”

But her mother was shaking her head again, reaching out to put a hand on Jongin’s knee.

“I was selfish,” she insisted. “I wanted to stay in this house. I wanted to keep up with the life we’d built before things got bad. But that’s just not practical, and it’s not fair to you. You should be off getting an education and being a twenty-one year old. You shouldn’t be worried about my mortgage.”

“But-”

“I’ve been going to a support group recently,” her mom confessed. “And it’s helped me in a lot of ways, which I won’t bore you with. But aside from helping me to realize how unfair these past few years have been to you, it’s also gotten me thinking of other ways we can handle our situation. Or, more accurately, ways that _I_ can handle _my_ situation, so you don’t have to.”

That was news to Jongin- she’d had no idea that her mom was talking to anyone about her depression and anxiety. Back when Jongin was younger, she remembered her mom going to therapy, but she’d stopped when Jongin was in middle school, and Jongin hadn’t thought much of it at the time. Later, when she became aware how much her mother struggled, she knew well enough to know that there was no way they could afford therapy. 

“I’ve been looking at apartment listings,” her mom went on. “It would be a lot more reasonable for me to live in a studio by myself. I’m not kicking you out or saying that I don’t want to live with you anymore. But I really think it would be better if you could go off on your own and not have to worry about me.”

“But how can you pay for the rent and utilities?” Jongin couldn’t help but ask. It was refreshing to see her mom be so hopeful and proactive, but they still had to be practical. 

“Some of the apartments I’ve looked at are dirt cheap,” her mom told her with a chuckle. “But I’ve also been researching jobs I can do from home, and one of the women who goes to the support group has been able to give me a lot of suggestions. She works from home, and she might be able to get me an interview with the company she works for.”

“So if you live in a studio, and move out of here, where does that leave me?” Jongin asked, still trying to wrap her head around all of the information her mother was throwing at her. She’d really had no idea about any of this, and she suspected it was because her mom didn’t want to get her hopes up again. 

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m leaving you high and dry,” her mom reiterated, “but paying for your own apartment and utilities would be so much cheaper than paying for the mortgage and the bills here. You could cut back on hours, even. And probably be able to take classes, especially if you applied for some of these scholarships. Again, I don’t want you to think I’m abandoning you to fend for yourself. But until now, you’ve been fending for the both of us. It’s about time you only had to worry about yourself.”

Jongin’s mind was racing. What her mom was suggesting...it seemed too good to be true. But at the same time, it made a lot of sense. A lot more sense than their current situation. Still...Jongin couldn’t help but worry about her mom. What if everything fell through?

“I just want you to be happy,” her mom said, eyes glassy and lips pulled into a smile as she wrapped an arm around Jongin’s shoulders. “I should have made these steps a long time ago, but I hope you’ll forgive me for robbing you of these years.”

“Of course!” Jongin was quick to assure her, voice shaky as a lump formed in her throat. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“What’d I do to deserve such a wonderful daughter?” her mom asked tearfully, wrapping Jongin in a hug that Jongin immediately returned. 

For the first time in years, Jongin was genuinely hopeful- for both her mother and for herself.

 

\---

 

_3 Months Later_

At the end of her shift, Jongin walked out of the strip club for the very last time. And as surreal as it was to know that she never, ever had to set foot in that place again, it felt so _good_. 

When Minseok had put in his two weeks at the cafe at the beginning of June, Jongin had actually been promoted to his position, which meant a raise. It wasn’t a huge amount of money, by any means, but it was definitely significant to her. 

A week and a half after that, Jongin had sent in applications for no less than six scholarships. And two weeks ago, Jongin had heard back from the last of the organizations. In all, she’d been granted money by three of the places she applied to- one for books and the other two to go toward her tuition. That night, she’d given her boss at the club her two weeks notice, and it had been one of the most satisfying feelings ever. 

Except that night, being officially done, was even better.

After she’d given her two weeks, she’d told Joonmyun that she was leaving despite her boss advising against telling any client until her final night. He’d been a loyal customer, and not awful, so she wanted him to know. 

Joonmyun had done the same restrained sigh he did when she used to offer to take him to a private room and he’d turn her down. It was the _I’m being selfless_ sigh. 

“I’m happy for you,” he’d told her, smiling sadly. “You’re going to school?”

Jongin had nodded, tilting her head so her hair brushed against his cheek as she swiveled her hips.

“I’m sad to see you go,” he’d confessed, looking rueful. “But I’m proud of you.”

There was really no reason why Joonmyun should have been proud of her. He didn’t _know_ her- not really. So he certainly didn’t know the things she’d gone through to get to where she was. But Jongin had politely thanked him anyway, glad that she wouldn’t have to engage in this practiced routine for much longer. 

On her final night, Joonmyun had tipped her extra and given her his business card, “In case you ever need anything.”

Jongin didn’t plan to ever call that number. 

Tae was genuinely sad to see Jongin go. But as Jongin’s friend, she understood that Jongin needed to move on.

“I don’t know why I’m getting choked up,” Jongin had said as she’d packed up her bag for the last time and prepared to leave.

“I don’t know either,” Tae had laughed. “We can still hang out. Let’s get lunch next week, okay?”

Jongin had nodded and hugged her tight, even as Tae had continued to tease her for getting emotional.

But walking outside, never to look back, Jongin didn’t feel like crying at all.

Grinning widely, Jongin spotted Chanyeol standing next to her car, waiting patiently for her with just as big of a smile on her face.

Suddenly, Jongin felt like she could fly. 

With a burst of happiness and adrenaline, Jongin ran across the parking lot and jumped right into Chanyeol’s arms- legs coming up to wrap around Chanyeol’s waist as Chanyeol stumbled back against her car.

“Hi,” Chanyeol laughed, accepting the eager kiss Jongin pressed to her lips and curving her hands under Jongin’s thighs to hold her up.

“Hi,” Jongin replied, only barely able to stop grinning as she kissed Chanyeol repeatedly.

After a minute or two, Chanyeol chuckled- hefting Jongin up by her thighs.

“Shall we go or do you want to just make out here all night? I’m okay with either option, honestly.”

Jongin laughed. “I guess we should go.”

“We can make out at my place later,” Chanyeol assured her, and Jongin beamed- kissing Chanyeol one last time before hopping down and climbing in the passenger seat.

“Guess what?” Jongin said as Chanyeol started the car.

“What?”

“I never have to come back here,” Jongin announced, giddy with the knowledge.

“No, you don’t,” Chanyeol agreed, smiling just as hard. 

“Can we stop for chicken on the way back to your place?” Jongin asked, sliding her shoes off and putting her feet on the dash.

“Of course,” Chanyeol laughed. “It only feels right to drive off into the sunset to get fried chicken. It’s the perfect ending.”

“Sunset? It’s after midnight,” Jongin snorted. “And this is most definitely not the end.”

Chanyeol smiled. “You’re right. Its the perfect beginning.”

**Author's Note:**

> \- A million thanks to Jen (coley_merrin) for helping me and looking through this beast for me. You are the best! <3  
> \- Title taken from "White Lilies / White Lies" by Angel Haze.  
> \- Follow me on [tumblr](http://g-odalisque13.tumblr.com/) if you are so inclined ^^


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